Why do we study what we don't value?

We recently surveyed 104 teachers representing 12 US states, 4 provinces of Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Great Brittan and Japan, teachers from birth through university, with degrees from 92 colleges and universities ranging from none to AA, BA, MA, M.Ed, PhD, in 49 fields of study, with teaching credentials from none to state licensed, province licensed, specialty licensed, endorsed, credentialed, and certified, and teaching experience ranging from 0 to 44 years. What they had in common was access to the internet, and 90% self-identified as white/Caucasian.

Teachers evaluated the various teacher programs they participated in, and how they feel they were prepared in terms of various relationship development factors. 

Teachers then evaluated how supported they felt during the first three years of their teaching.  This is generally a time when mentorship, if available, is provided.  It is also the time that licensed teachers are in a probationary period in many states, and when continuing training and development is required to ensure that teachers have the skills determined key by different states or districts.

Teachers also shared which of these factors they valued most in their teaching.

 In analyzing this data, we decided to compare pre-service preparation and support in the first three years to what was valued most.  The results were striking.  There is an inverse relationship between what we value in education, and what we feel we are prepared for.

In an effort to determine the best methods for educating teachers after the first three years of teaching, teachers were asked where they learned the most about each of these areas.  Experience was selected as the foremost learning tool for all areas overwhelmingly.  The results seem to support the idea that self-initiated training (professional reading, workshops and conferences) and experience are the primary ways that these relationship building skills are learned.

 Questions that arose from this analysis are those surrounding the causes for our values and experiences.  It is possible that we are not well prepared for relationship building despite how we value it.  It is also possible that we grow to value those things we learn on our own over those things we are directly instructed on.

What do you see?

How do I stop a child using foul language?

Ms. Dorothy,
My 2 year old nephew has gained a lot of language and some curse words. His newest word is the F bomb. How do we get him to not use those words? Telling him it is not ok to say that word just makes him say it more.
-Toddler Sitter

Words that offend people are often the ones we don't want to hear our children using.  

Unfortunately, a two year old only knows the words he has heard, so the problem really doesn't belong to him.

Your sons and his parents are all old enough to know and be cautious about the use of such words, though it seems they are comfortable to use that word in front of the 2 year old.  Addressing the issue of role models seems to be your best bet right now.

The two year old is having fun saying a word that gets a reaction out of people. He has no idea what that word is about or for. 

It is time that the rest of the family learn to curb their language.

Start a fine jar, and make everyone in the household drop a quarter in the jar each time they use a word you would rather the little one not learn. Use the money to buy a vocabulary builder game and help everyone practice for college entrance exams.

But don't expect the little guy to refrain from using the words he hears, you just got him talking, and he is doing exactly what he should!

When is it okay to intervene on behalf of a child?

Ms Dorothy
The other day I was in the doctor's office when an older couple came in with an almost 2 year old. They were obviously grand- or even great-grandparents of this little girl. She was very active (of course) and friendly and wanted to walk around and talk to people. She wanted to come over and talk to me. grandparents said no, and threatened her with a spanking. ____ just couldn't sit still. Grandpa smacked her hands, saying 'no', telling her to sit. I couldn't help get involved a bit, and suggested maybe looking at a book. That helped for a bit. Until the book was over and ____ wanted to come visit with me. Grandpa smacked her again. Grandma said,'shame on you' and things just got worse. I couldn't stand it, but did not know what to do! Is there anything to be done when one witnesses such a glaring ignorance of normal, acceptable developmental behavior and horrific parenting? People are so staunch in their defense of their parenting styles...
-A Child Advocate

Consider that a positive pre-supposition can make finding a solution easier because it diffuses your own emotions about the situation.  

A lack of understanding about normal developmental behavior is really at the heart here. These grandparents are acting out of loving concern for the child, and not with an intent to harm her. Coming from that perspective can really help re-frame the situation in a way that opens opportunities to help. 

Starting a conversation with them, and sharing your background as a teacher might ease their concern about the child talking with strangers, or give them a chance to share their concern about her spreading germs to you (this was in a doctor's office after all.)

Whenever a situation concerns you, whether ignorant or malicious, the best approach is often to diffuse the attention on the child by engaging the adults in a conversation. 

Sharing your own, very similar, experiences is often the best way to make an ally of someone who's behavior or mind you want to change: even if you have to make it up.

Tell them about how you were really firm with your own child till you learned that this behavior was normal, and how hard it was to realize that they just can't be still at this age. Compare notes on when your own daughter would talk to strangers everywhere, and how  you had to learn to keep a close watch on her till she was old enough to understand the danger.  

If they see you empathizing with their circumstances, they are more likely to be open to your input.

How do I deal with an 8-going-on-15 year old?

Ms. Dorothy,
We are having a big issue with ______ right now.  She is 8, and back-talking, and not doing what she needs to do around the house to help out. Everything has become such a huge battle that ends in yelling and tears.  She acts like she doesn't care at all anymore. I can't take it any longer. There is tension with her right now and I don't want it to continue. I am also a little worried about how she is going to act when she is a teenager! Any suggestions about how I can empower her with responsibility and save my sanity?
- Mother of a Daughter

These may be the first hints of what is to come. How you move forward and handle this now is certainly going to shape your relationship with her through those teen years, so it is important to stop and think and make some careful choices.

Your daughter is deciding some things about who she is, and about power right now, and is watching for your reactions.

Here are the two most important rules; they were true when she was a newborn, and they are still true now, but the stakes have changed. 

1. ) Pick your battles (not everything is worth it! It just isn't, and bigger battles may lie ahead!) 

2.) If you decide to get into a battle - do not lose. (and sometimes that means giving up before the fight - see rule #1) 

One way to approach this would be to sit down and re-negotiate what her responsibilities are, and when and how she gets holidays from them, and what it means to not hold up her end.

Write up a contract, and then don't get angry when she breaks it. Be kind and loving and gentle and understanding and just point out that these were rules she agreed to. 

Make sure she gets to have some say in making the new agreements. It can't be all about you setting the rules and her having to live by them. There has to be some space for you to give up something you want or it isn't a compromise, and she won't feel like she got anything out of the deal. 

The bottom line is that she has no choice and no power and no control - except over her emotional outbursts. Give her something else to have power over and then follow through.

The control you give up by raising the conversation to that level will be worth it in trade for what you will get over the long term.  

How do I stop tattling in my classroom?

Ms. Dorothy,
What do I do with tattle-tales in my classroom?  It's just never-ending and exhausting.  
- Teacher

It is important to establish with your class that there are some things that they should tell about. Without that, turning away "tattlers" could be a real risk. 

Students should know that anytime they feel that terrible pit in their stomach, it means the fear is real and they should alert an adult.

They should also know that most of the time, they have the power to resolve the situation themselves. 

Take the time to build a routine and some procedures for students to peacefully resolve conflicts. Using a regular place and a ritual that takes some of the heat out of situations is helpful. Practice language patterns like "I messages" that supply your students with the tools to talk about what is upsetting them.  Brainstorm solutions with your students, and act out scenarios so they can see a model of what it looks like to work through a problem.

Sometimes it helps to turn the whole situation on it's ear and invite the tattler to consider the offender's feelings. Wondering, with a child, how many bad feelings someone must have to think that taking someone else's good feelings will help, can be a powerful perspective changer.

How do I help my middle child feel loved?

Ms. Dorothy,
How do I show my son (3) that despite the fact he now has an older and younger sister (I just had a baby 8 wks ago, he was the baby before this, older child is almost 5), I still love him the same, and the reason I spend less one on one time with him is not because I love him less? I have not changed much of his life other then the obvious things. Any further advice?
- Busy Mom

Sounds like it is time to make a point of planning "dates" with each of your family.  

You already have some scheduled family time every night, but picking out one night a month for each of  you to get some one-on-one time could really help.

You know that an occasional Mom/Dad date night is essential for your marriage to stay healthy. What about taking one family hour a month for Mom/oldest to do something just for them? Once a month it is Mom/middle, and once it's mom/baby. Once a month Dad/oldest get a date time, Dad/middle, and Dad/baby.

Mapping out the calendar so that everyone knows when their time is coming gives everyone plenty of warning and time to choose how to spend the date. Picking and re-picking what to do with that time adds excitement, and the planning itself seems like personal time because the focus is on what you'll do together alone.  

You don't even have to go anywhere. Just close a door and put up a "private" sign up and give your full attention and focus to the one you are with.

Eventually, you may want to add "girls night" and "guys night" to the mix.

All of this will make the "family time" even richer because you will have experiences away from each other to share.

How do I stop my child from stealing and lying?

Ms. Dorothy, 
How do I get my 4 almost 5 year old to stop lying and stealing? She has seperaration anxiety because of issues with her biological mother (I'm her stepmother but her full time caregiver as well, have been for 2 years) and that in itself has challenges with tantrums and such, but the stealing and lying has carried into school and visits with other relatives. Can you help?
- Mom and Stepmom

The first thing you'll want to do is to make sure you aren't taking her offences personally.  These behaviors are attention seeking, and are not about you, but about her pain.

It may seem as if this is about what she is taking, but it is really about what she is needing.  

She is trying to fill an emotional hole with physical things. If you can address this now, you may save her many years of struggle later.  

Try reading the book Have You Filled a Bucket Today with her and talk about how her actions impact others around her and also come back to change how she feels about herself.

While you work on the real underlying issues, talk to family and friends and school about how what she is doing is not malicious, but is misguided. Explain that anything she takes she will return, and that you are working with her on changing those behaviors.

If it isn't about punishment for her, you can devise a way to talk about what she has taken that she needs to return, each day. Together you can come up with ways for her to make it up to the people she has hurt.

When you focus on what she can do to feel content, rather than on the superficial actions she is taking, she will need these behaviors less.

What do I do when my child throws a fit?

Ms. Dorothy
I have a 4 year old who has recently become very easily agitated over little things and screams like he is on fire if you try to hold him or calm him down. When he becomes agitated he is inconsolable and has become violent, he throws, hits, scratches and bites. This is not just towards me but his older and younger brothers. I have tried removing him from the situation without giving in, especially if it is over something little like his brothers playing with a toy he wants that was in another room or over food to eat for dinner. I am at a loss for what to do please help!
-Concerned Mother

Angry and frustrated children often feel they have no control. He wants what we all want; to feel that he belongs, and right now he is finding his place through these fits.

He is less interested in the thing he says he wants than he is in your reaction, and if the problem is escalating to actually hurting his siblings, he needs something done right now.

Instead of saying "No," try giving him some choices. You set the limits, so you have the real control in the situation, but he will see that he has some power to make decisions if you let him have choices.  

Offer this cereal or that for breakfast, or a choice between hot and cold cereal.  He has the power to choose, and to choose which fruit goes on his cereal. These are real decisions and involve him in the meal making, and give him a true sense of belonging.

If you ask "what do you want" he will not understand why cake is not a valid choice and will have a fit when you say "No."  

Try being clear about times for things. Rather than saying "No. We are going to eat lunch before we go to the park"  to his request, try "Yes. We will go to the park. And now it is time to eat lunch." The change from focusing on what he can't do right now to what he can do, and when, may help to sort out some of his frustration.

It is important to hold your own temper and give him the attention he craves when the situation is not out of hand. Try to anticipate when he is likely to have a fit and set up an opportunity for different choices before things are out of hand.

There are some great ideas about how to make these changes and keep your cool in the book Positive Discipline.  Check out the website too for some immediate pointers.

How can I help a child make a fresh start?

Ms. Dorothy, 
Here is a kid in fifth grade. He has always seemed to get in some trouble. Mostly impulse control, social ineptness, but big enough for other teachers to remember. Now he has the self image of a kiddo who is problematic + he's really disorganized. How do I get him ready to start middle school so he can have a fresh start?
- An Aunt

What a great positive approach.  In life, we are given a few opportunities to start fresh and re-invent ourselves, and transitioning between schools is certainly one!

Knowing that impulse control and disorganization are a part of many people's lives, but are not who they are, is a key to moving past the worry. 

Have him look over a list of symptoms for ADD or ADHD and see what things he has in common and what things he doesn't.  The sense of control that is possible when you know you are "normal" and can choose what you manifest is very powerful.

At the same time, there are many diet changes, organization systems, and focus techniques that are used to support children who struggle with these symptoms, and he may find those helpful too.

You may find the book Right Brained Children in a Left Brained World has some interesting ideas for supporting him.

Whatever you decide to try, a great move for him would be to approach his middle school teachers and explain that he is aware of his issues and that he is making efforts to grow and improve himself. Asking for the teacher's support and understanding will demonstrate maturity and self-efficacy and may win him the favor of those he has to work with for the next few  years.

Remember too, that sharing your own experiences with becoming organized, or thinking before acting, will help him to see that he is not alone and that many successful adults fought these same battles in school.

Why can't I use Time Out any more?

Ms. Dorothy,
I've heard some stuff lately about not using "time out" with kids. I was told that I should use a "thinking chair" or an "observation chair" but not a "time out chair."  Is this just the latest in PC terms, or is there really something different about these? 
- Home Child Care Provider

Generally, when a term becomes taboo in education, it means that the thinking has changed. It isn't just a new term, it is a new approach, and the name change is designed to make you think differently about it.

"Time out" is thought of as a way to punish or reprimand a child for wrong-doing.

"Observation" or "Thinking" or "Cool Down" or "Quiet Space" or "Peace Table" are all ways to shift the thinking from correction to learning.

When you remove a child from the group to observe what others are doing, to think about choices, to cool down, or to find a peaceful or quiet moment to re-group and become ready to return, it shouldn't be about punishment. 

Adding a "time out" consequence to a "quiet think time" when the child is calm, is a great way to satisfy the adult's need to humble and punish a child, but isn't at all about learning. 

Learning happens when the adult takes the time to talk with the child who is ready to calmly rejoin the group.  That conversation should be the point of removing a child.

If the adult is not able to talk calmly about; how the child could have handled the situation differently, and what s/he will do next time, then it is the adult who needs a "time out."

Let's move our thinking from making children comply and conform and defer to the adults, to helping children to understand how their actions and reactions impact others, and how they have the power to make different choices.

When do I remove disruptive students?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am in a co-teaching situation with 4th and 5th grade at-risk students. The other teachers remove the student from the classroom after a couple warnings on behavior and send them to the principle - this is what the school has suggested. In my facilitation, I have never chosen to remove a student from the classroom unless they are putting another person in danger. I prefer to talk it out and explain what the problem is and what they need to do. So what is your insight on removing students from the classroom? 
-Music Teacher

Depending on how it is handled, I believe that removing a student from the immediate activity, or even from the learning space is often the right thing to do.  

If a student is disrupting the learning for others, she can be invited to consider the others, or can be reminded of the needs of the others. If she persists in the behaviors that are causing the problem, despite being ignored, she should be given no more time, attention or consideration. 

While continuing to talk with, teach, direct or work with the rest of the class, this child can be walked to an alternate place in the room where, from outside the circle of learning, she can observe.

This should not require any discussion because the "warning" has already been given. She knows why, and it is insulting to continue to explain, lecture, yell, correct or chastise her.

Just act. 

If she continues to disrupt from outside the group, she should be removed in the same manner to an alternate safe, supervised space. Without comment.  

The other children in the class will look for consistency from you. So rinse and repeat. 

If you end up in the room alone, continue to play, dance, sing and laugh.The next day, start with a clean slate, but stay consistent. Some will not need to test you again. 
  
Belonging is the single greatest need of "at-risk" students. If you are offering something they want, they will work to be a part of it.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 2)

Ms. Dorothy,
My principal is concerned about my classroom management.  I am not a brand new teacher, but this is my first year in kindergarten.  All the tools in my bag of tricks seem to fall flat with these little guys.  The hardest thing is getting through transitions, but I guess I'm struggling with getting their attention at other times too.  I have a bell I ring, and I clap a rhythm, but they just aren't working well. I am sending home notes about behaviors daily and I'm not happy to have all this attention from the principal for what I'm not doing well.  Maybe you have some ideas I can try?
- 6th year teacher

It is always hard to be asked to examine your practice, especially when you aren't aware that you are having a problem with something, but the reflection and new learning you are doing will be worth the work, both for you and for those kindees.

In the world of coaching, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "deficit focused development" and it seldom works the way people who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If your principal turns his/her attention to what you are doing successfully, and provides you with models of teachers who are not struggling with transitions, you are more likely to notice the great "tools" other teachers are using on your own, and adapt them to your classroom.

Take some time to reflect on what you do well, visit other teachers, and build on strengths.

The important thing to remember is that transitions require routines, and routines have to be learned, and kindergarten children need a lot of practice and a lot of encouragement to master new routines. 


Breaking your transition, or attention getting routine, down into the smallest possible parts, and instructing, and taking time to practice each of those steps, will yield the best results. There are some great resources for teaching routines available, just remember that kindergarten children need plenty of time dedicated to learning routines. 

For those children who are not cooperating, the best thing you can do for them is exactly what would work best for you.

In the world of kindergarten, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "behavior management" and it seldom works the way teachers who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If you turn your attention to what the students are doing well and are successful at, and you provide them with models of what it looks like to be doing it correctly, they are likely to mimic the correct behavior to earn your praise.  They want to please you more than you can imagine, and that is the best tool in your bag of tricks by far!

I have some previous posts here, here, and here that talk about ways to encourage young children to "behave" in class.  When in doubt, try talking to them about the problem and asking them to help brainstorm ways to work together better. You can always go to their greatest strengths and build on them.

The important thing to remember is that WHEN a consequence is necessary, when a situation deliberately endangers someone's physical or mental well-being, the response should be immediate and directly connected to the situation. A threat, or a punishment at another time, or that seems unconnected to the "crime" will not be effective and will frustrate you both.  

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 1)

Ms Dorothy,

My son started Kindergarten in September.  His teacher gives "smiley" faces when the student had a good day and "frowney" faces when the student has misbehaved.  ______comes home almost every day with a "frowney" face.  I spoke to his teacher and she says he is not cooperating.  He speaks out of turn and is having trouble staying in his seat.  I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and punished him for his outbursts.  I have a two and a half year old daughter and a newborn son - I'm at my wits end!  Help!

- Mom of 3

Managing a class of 20 to 30 energetic 5 year olds is a unique challenge.  It is as unlike handling preschoolers, as it is first graders.  Kindergarten, in many places, is a half day of trying to help get children ready for the next 12 or 16 years of school.  

Many teachers struggle with negotiating the challenges of a classroom full of people who may never have had to share an adult with more than one or two siblings before.  Suddenly to find that you have 25 children, all of whom are accustomed to getting almost immediate attention when they want it, can be a nightmare.

There are a lot of "systems" out there to help teachers share responsibility with parents for "training" children to wait their turn, cooperate, or "behave."  Smiley faces, cards colored for warnings, three strike rules, names on boards, numbered charts, stamps on hands - all of these are ways to coerce cooperation from children, and all of them hold the threat of reporting home as a consequence.  Ironically, this happens in classrooms where "tattling" is taboo.

The truth is, that kindergarten children have already lived long enough to figure out that getting one of their most basic needs met, that of belonging, can happen one of two ways.  What they desire most is the approval of adults around them, but barring that, getting attention for doing things wrong, will do. 

They have managed for 5 years to learn most of what they know, not from being told, but from being praised for approximations.  We encourage our children in crawling, walking, babbling, talking, riding a trike, etc., all through positive responses to their attempts.  

Suddenly, at age 5, we ask them to share the praise with twenty or more others.  We expect them to learn by listening and watching, and much less doing than they are accustomed to, and to get it right immediately upon being taught.  

Kindergarten children are clever enough to settle, some of them quite quickly, for the attention that negative behavior brings.  Getting singled out is, getting singled out, after all.  The worst part of this is that your child will develop a pattern of behavior, and a reputation, that will travel with him throughout his school career if it isn't changed now.

Much more effective management happens when teachers expend the bulk of their energy finding the things their students are doing right, and praising them for it.  Remarking about how one student is sitting patiently, while ignoring the one who is calling out, will instantly get several other children to sit patiently.  It may not convince the "blurter" right away, but ignore that behavior a few times, and it will begin to change. 

If your child's teacher is sending home reports, stamping his hand, giving out frowney faces, or the like, ignore it.  Completely.  

When he comes home, ask him what he was most proud of.  Talk about that.  And praise him for it.  Turn his attention to what he is doing well.

And if you doubt that ignoring the teacher's frowny faces is the right thing to do, ask yourself what she would do if you sent a note in with him explaining that he hadn't eaten all his broccoli at dinner time.  

How can I stop a class clown from cutting up?

Ms. Dorothy,

How do I curb my 5 year old's tendency to be the class clown without crushing his spirit?  Any suggestions?

- Mom of a Kindergarten boy

If your son is any good at being a cut-up in school, he probably has some real leadership skills waiting to be refined.  The last thing anyone should be doing is crushing that spirit.

If he is charming and the teacher can't resist him, and thinks of him as clever and funny, he has the potential to be a charismatic leader.  If the teacher gets frustrated and annoyed with him, he has the potential to be a dynamic and challenging leader.  

The world needs more of both.  

Your son needs direction and guidance about how to direct this powerful energy.  He needs to know that he is a great and natural leader, and that others listen to him, laugh with him, and are drawn to him because he is rare and remarkable.  And he needs to know that "with great power comes great responsibility."  

He needs to know that he can, and should, use his power for good.

Talk to his teacher about finding appropriate outlets for him to lead the class where he can have real control.  

Get the class singing a chant, and let him orchestrate; directing one section to get louder and another to get quieter, directing the group when to stop.  Let him create a new rule for a song or game that the class already knows, and let him explain his new (probably silly) rule and lead the class in playing his way.  Have him make up new words to add to the end of a chant the class already knows.  

Ask his teacher to give him opportunities to make the class laugh when it isn't a disruption. Knowing that he will have the chance to exert that kind of control once in a while will be a powerful carrot for the other times when the teacher needs to be in charge.

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How do I get my class to be QUIET?!

Ms Dorothy,
My class is so noisy! They are generally on task, but they get so loud. I know I'm not supposed to raise my voice at them, but I end up yelling all the time just to get their attention. They are excited, it's not that I'm not doing good stuff, they are enthusiastic, but very loud about it! What do I do to get them to stay excited and working, but to do it quietly?!
- Pre-school teacher

Have you tried whispering? Sometimes the best way to get those little guys to pay attention is to bring your volume way down. If you get secretive and conspiratorial, they just might quiet down and lean in to hear what's up.

I've also had some luck playing "don't wake the baby" with preschool and kindergarten classes. Just get them to agree to pretend that there is a baby sleeping in the classroom. Then, rather than a lot of yelling or shushing, you can start a whisper campaign by telling one child "don't wake the baby - pass it on." They love to play, and it gets them quiet!

How do I deal with 3rd grade tantrums?

Ms. Dorothy,
I have a student in my 3rd grade class who throws tantrums. He gets violent and throws things and screams very much like a toddler. What can I do to make him stop?
-Frustrated Teacher

I wonder what kinds of things trigger these tantrums, the frequency, duration and situations surrounding them that might be a clue to what is going on  with him.

The truth is that this behavior is successful for him.  There is something that he wants, and he gets that need satisfied by the fits.  

It really has nothing to do with the immediate situation, it has to do with the attention he needs and the feelings he is experiencing and trying to express.

The tantrum will need to run it's course before he will be able to discuss it. Try taking the rest of the class out of the room the next time he "goes off." Then when he is through, perhaps he will be open to talking about it and learning some tools for better problem solving.

How can I stop this color card behavior management?

Ms. Dorothy,
We have had it with the red, yellow, green, purple behavior chart that this kindergarten teacher uses. Tomorrow is the last day prior to break and we are trying to figure a way to support _____, and support the teacher. Do you have any suggestions of ways a kindergarten teacher that is used to summative color behavioral grading can adapt or try something different?
-Concerned Dad

Nobody's day should be about their behavior. It would be far better if the focus were on the effort given toward learning, or the quality of work produced; and to offer the teacher some other ways to manage the classroom.

What if you were to suggest that the teacher start handing out tickets? If she catches a child demonstrating a behavior she wants to see more of, she hands them a "ticket." (Anything can work- I've seen them printed up with school behavior goals on them, but I've also seen just sticky notes used.) The children get to collect the tickets count them up, and work toward a goal.

When this is done well, the class can work to make sure that everyone goes home with at least one ticket at the end of the day - that could get the students noticing each others' positive behaviors, and then they can earn a ticket for being a good citizen and pointing out what someone else has accomplished.

Eventually it becomes self-sustaining where the children award one another tickets and count them up at the end of the day - till it starts to lose their interest and is forgotten. At this point, hopefully, the behaviors the teacher is hoping to encourage have become a part of how the students monitor themselves.

Ultimately, the goal should be intrinsic motivation and flow, not extrinsic rewards and fear of consequences for the best learning environment.

How do I stop a blurter?

Ms. Dorothy -
I have a student in my class who is always calling out and trying to get the rest of the class to copy him. The class ends up mimicking him and he is always giving wrong answers or smart answers to get them to laugh. How do I get him to stop blurting out wrong answers and obnoxious comments for the class to copy? He is so disruptive to the students who are behaving!
- Primary Teacher

It sounds like this student has some real leadership needs. Possibly even some skills as a leader! What about re-focusing him to lead the class in a productive way? Is there something that he is particularly passionate about? Can you have him be in charge of leading a class activity that would be of interest to him? Maybe leading a song, a math discussion, a game, or being your assistant for something important will satisfy his need to be in charge.

Giving him the chance to be "the teacher" for some routine during the day might be the best way to diffuse his need to call out at other times. If you empower him to lead at something that matters to him and is positive for the class, perhaps he will need less attention in other ways.

How can I teach my child to be empathetic?

Ms. Dorothy -
I have caught my kindergartner being exclusive on the playground at school. If she doesn’t feel like playing with someone, she’ll just turn her back on them and ignore them, or she’ll flat out run away from them. She has always been well-liked, so she doesn’t understand the hurt she is causing by not including others in her games. How can I teach her to be more empathetic?
- Worried Mom

It is so hard to see our children learning about their social worlds! You are on the right track to want to teach her more empathy rather than just wanting to tell her to "be nice."

Take some time to model your thinking aloud. Name the thoughts that come up, and the feelings attached to them - not to tell her, but just to make the way you experience situations really transparent to her.

That may feel strange and awkward at first, but your daughter will begin to emulate the behavior pretty quickly, and you will have a window into what is going on in her head, too. Then you can talk about those difficult situations where empathy might help.

Children reflect what they see, so the best thing you can do for her is to make sure she sees you being empathetic. Point out when you notice others doing the same. Helping her to identify actions and reactions will make a difference in the way she appreciates what is happening inside of others.