How do I stop tattling in my classroom?

Ms. Dorothy,
What do I do with tattle-tales in my classroom?  It's just never-ending and exhausting.  
- Teacher

It is important to establish with your class that there are some things that they should tell about. Without that, turning away "tattlers" could be a real risk. 

Students should know that anytime they feel that terrible pit in their stomach, it means the fear is real and they should alert an adult.

They should also know that most of the time, they have the power to resolve the situation themselves. 

Take the time to build a routine and some procedures for students to peacefully resolve conflicts. Using a regular place and a ritual that takes some of the heat out of situations is helpful. Practice language patterns like "I messages" that supply your students with the tools to talk about what is upsetting them.  Brainstorm solutions with your students, and act out scenarios so they can see a model of what it looks like to work through a problem.

Sometimes it helps to turn the whole situation on it's ear and invite the tattler to consider the offender's feelings. Wondering, with a child, how many bad feelings someone must have to think that taking someone else's good feelings will help, can be a powerful perspective changer.

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How can I center myself and my class?

Ms. Dorothy-
I go back to teaching tomorrow, and my first class of the day is kindergarten. Do you have any suggestions for a mantra or centering phrase I can do to calm myself and my kids?
- Music Teacher

How exciting to be starting fresh in a new school! They are going to love you, so just relax!

One technique that is always helpful for calming the emotional center of the brain is deep breathing. It is also really helpful for singing!

Teach the children to breathe in through their noses and feel the breath fill up their bellies, and then exhale through their mouths slowly. Three deep breaths will really calm you, body and mind.

Have them imagine that they are smelling a sweet flower, and then blowing on a pinwheel or a lit candle.

Repeating "Smell the rose. Blow out the candle" three times while they (and you) breathe is a great way to center and be ready for what is ahead.

It is helpful for clearing your head if you are upset too, so it's a nice addition for the kids to learn when they have to resolve a problem.

Best of luck tomorrow! Have fun!

How do I get my class to behave?

Ms. Dorothy -
My class is very talkative and uncooperative. Every time I turn around, they are chatting again. I have set up so many different reward scenarios where they earn something for doing something consistently, but they don't want anything badly enough to actually stick with it. What do I do? They like having lunch with me, and they like having extra recess time, but they won't behave enough to earn it. It just seems to be getting worse, and we are losing so much learning time! What can I do to change their behaviors?
-Discouraged 3rd grade Teacher

Your impulse to reward them for positive behavior is a great one, because setting up punishments will only exaggerate the student-vs-teacher feeling that an uncooperative class has.


It sounds like they like you, but perhaps they don't see you as an ally yet. I'm also wondering if there is some important issue or underground dynamic in this group that requires a lot of discussion that you might be missing.


What if you were to give them something they are interested in before they give you the behaviors you want?


Invite the class to have lunch with you. Make it fun and call it a classroom restaurant day. Free them from the cafeteria, sit and chat and socialize with them. See if you can catch on to what it is they are spending so much time talking about. Join the discussion and offer time in class to talk further as a group about what is consuming their attention.


Learning to communicate clearly, to listen to one another, to agree or disagree respectfully, to contribute to a discussion, to weigh opinions and seek compromise are all important skills to learn in 3rd grade. Does it matter if you provide the content for a Socratic seminar or if they do?


This is valuable learning, so don't think of it as "lost" teaching time. Teach the skills of discussion around their issues and provide them a means for bringing topics to the group.


Try using a notebook with some rules about no individual names or put downs. Let them go and write topics for later discussion in the notebook.


Once you establish those positive structures, you can negotiate with them for more time on other content. "If we can focus and finish this math now, we will have more time to set up the room for a restaurant lunch, or for a class issues forum."


Sometimes getting the reward first and expecting the behaviors to follow works to establish in their minds that you want them to have the reward, and it removes the feeling that it is an empty promise.

How do I deal with my daughter's 2nd grade drama?

Ms. Dorothy-

_____ is in the middle of a "bff" triangle and today one of the little girls made a fist and told her, "Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you!" I am HORRIFIED. And I can't help but wonder where on earth a 7-year old little girl heard that in the first place.

I emailed the teacher and she said she'd take care of it right away. Seriously though, where does a kid learn that stuff?! And what do I say to my daughter about all this?! 
- Mom of a 2nd grader 

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I'm really glad you let the teacher know. You would be amazed at how much escalation can be avoided by having the teacher step in right away!

None of us wants to believe that we have exposed our young children to harsh language or expressions, but even cartoons are filled with horrifying ways of dealing with problems. It is not at all uncommon for children to resort to trying out techniques they've heard or seen when confronted with a challenging and novel social situation.

It is evident that your daughter's friend was frustrated, and that she wanted to resolve the problem with words, but knew that physical solutions were an option. I'm sure that you, and your husband, felt exactly the same way when you heard about this! We all know there is a hierarchy of conflict resolution techniques, and it often takes facing a challenge to discover our true character.

How awful the parents of that other girl must feel to realize that when confronted with such a test, their daughter evidenced the basest of reactions. How fortunate your daughter is that her parents chose to seek additional information and help from the teacher rather than just acting rashly when they were faced with a test of their own problem solving skills.

When toddlers bite, it is seldom because they come from bad homes, are underfed, or have been taught that this is a good way to get what they want. It is usually because they are trying to express something they don't have the tools to express and their frustration is all in their mouths, so they demonstrate their frustration with their mouths.

When young children struggle with defining their friendships, there is often a lot of drama, and sometimes horrifying things are said, or done. What a great opportunity this is for your daughter to learn about the ways the adults in her life see her, value her, and handle real problems.

Remember that if you want your children to be resilient, you must both give them the tools to handle the unexpected, and trust them to use the tools independently. What you model is important, and so is your belief in their abilities.

Talk to her about her feelings rather than yours. Invite her to identify what it felt like to be spoken to that way, and if she thinks she has ever been as frustrated as the other girl was. Ask her if she can think of other ways that girl could have handled her anger. Wonder with her what could take someone to such a hard place and help her to feel something other than hurt and anger toward that other child.

Encourage her for finding a positive way to get support with an overwhelming situation. Recognize that she was not just seeking your help, but your reactions to help her define how she should feel. The less you let this overwhelm you, the more she learns about her ability to handle a problem, and the more strategies she will have when it comes up again.

And, make no mistake, it will come up again. You are an adult, and you just faced a huge challenge! This is a part of life, and knowing that we have tools, and believing that we know how to use them is the key to facing challenges well.