How do I deal with an 8-going-on-15 year old?

Ms. Dorothy,
We are having a big issue with ______ right now.  She is 8, and back-talking, and not doing what she needs to do around the house to help out. Everything has become such a huge battle that ends in yelling and tears.  She acts like she doesn't care at all anymore. I can't take it any longer. There is tension with her right now and I don't want it to continue. I am also a little worried about how she is going to act when she is a teenager! Any suggestions about how I can empower her with responsibility and save my sanity?
- Mother of a Daughter

These may be the first hints of what is to come. How you move forward and handle this now is certainly going to shape your relationship with her through those teen years, so it is important to stop and think and make some careful choices.

Your daughter is deciding some things about who she is, and about power right now, and is watching for your reactions.

Here are the two most important rules; they were true when she was a newborn, and they are still true now, but the stakes have changed. 

1. ) Pick your battles (not everything is worth it! It just isn't, and bigger battles may lie ahead!) 

2.) If you decide to get into a battle - do not lose. (and sometimes that means giving up before the fight - see rule #1) 

One way to approach this would be to sit down and re-negotiate what her responsibilities are, and when and how she gets holidays from them, and what it means to not hold up her end.

Write up a contract, and then don't get angry when she breaks it. Be kind and loving and gentle and understanding and just point out that these were rules she agreed to. 

Make sure she gets to have some say in making the new agreements. It can't be all about you setting the rules and her having to live by them. There has to be some space for you to give up something you want or it isn't a compromise, and she won't feel like she got anything out of the deal. 

The bottom line is that she has no choice and no power and no control - except over her emotional outbursts. Give her something else to have power over and then follow through.

The control you give up by raising the conversation to that level will be worth it in trade for what you will get over the long term.  

How do I get my class to turn in homework?!

Ms. Dorothy,
I have tried taking away recess, holding kids after school, and calling home. I've also tried class bribes, incentives, and individual prizes. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, my kids just don't do homework, or if they do it, they don't turn it in! It is making me crazy, and I am out of ideas. Can you help?
-4th grade teacher

There really is only one right answer to this problem.  Stop giving homework.

If they aren't doing it, or aren't turning it in, it is probably because the work has no meaning for them.  Those who are doing the homework probably don't need the extra practice, but are willing to, or enjoy complying with your expectations.  

I understand the thinking that homework builds discipline, and good habits, and that putting the extra practice in at home will help to solidify learning, but you aren't getting any of those things.  

Take some time and reflect on the amount of time in class, and the amount of energy outside of class, you have put into trying to make your class value the homework you assign. Then consider what else you might have accomplished with that time and energy if homework were off the table. 

If you have school requirements for homework, ask your students to read books, magazines, or websites at home. But stop battling them to prove that they've done it.

Consider what might happen if you give every student a perfect grade for homework for the rest of the year, and then asked them what they'd have to do to live up to that grade.