How do I help my 2 year old adjust to school?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am a working lady. My daughter is 2years and 4 months old, she is able to speak fluently in her mother tongue, and understands English as well. In my absence she is taken care by my Mother in law.
She got admitted to pre-kindergarten or nursery on 13th June. She goes to school in school van, her school timings are 8.30 am to 11.30 am, 5days a week. It’s been more than 2 weeks, but still cries a lot and reluctant to go school everyday. She wakes up in the morning and starts telling/crying “don’t want to go school” till she sits in school van.
I try to make her understand that school is a lovely place by telling many stories every night before getting sleep, but the next day morning it’s the same.
Even on off days i.e. Saturdays and Sundays, even after we tell her that. Saturdays and Sundays are holidays, making her ready as part of daily routine or plan to take out somewhere, she thinks that we might send her school, she is fearful and whole day very often she tells I don’t want to go school.
I spoke to her teacher; she says she is okay at school. She blames me that I am over anxious and over protective, that’s why my child is behaving so. But I don’t really admit.
Each day is getting a challenge for me. Please help me out to make my child comfortable to school.
-Concerned Mother

There are many reasons why children express fear about going to school.

The biggest worry is always that there is something happening at school which frightens her. An insensitive or neglectful teacher, a bully, even someone trying to do her harm. I can tell you that while this is every mother's greatest fear, it is very rarely the cause of a child's distress.

Chances are that the teacher is not blaming you as much as she is trying to reassure you of this fact.

Your daughter is probably safe and just fine in school as the teacher told you, but her fear and distress are also very real and should not be ignored.

By the age of 2, children are usually trying to figure out how to get what they want. Sometimes children your daughter's age become demanding, or throw tantrums, or tell people "no!" as they try to discover how to get their needs met. Your daughter may be expressing fear and trying to gain control of an uncomfortable situation.

While your daughter understands English, she may not be comfortable to express herself to people who do not speak her mother tongue. This could mean that the three hours she is in school feel very isolating to her. If she is not hearing the language that is most comfortable to her ears, those three hours can seem very long and distant.

She has also had the undivided attention of an adult up until now, and suddenly to have to share the only adult with other children in a class can be very hard for some children.

She may be experimenting with making you feel guilty, and trying to see if she can have her will. Or playing out behaviors she thinks are expected. Believe it or not, sometimes children think that they are expressing how much they love you when they cry about going to school, and that you might be disappointed if you thought they didn't miss you.

Sometimes children become distressed because they don't like letting a younger sibling have a parent's attention while they are not around.

There are some things you can do to help her with her worry about going to school.
What you are already doing - telling her stories to comfort her - is excellent, and you will need to be consistent and keep telling her about what a lovely place school is, and not let her see your concern.

Instead of talking about Saturdays and Sundays as holidays from school, try and talk about what sad days they are because she does not GET to go to school. If you are reassuring her in a way that makes her think school is something she has to tolerate, she may continue to resist it.
Stay positive and happy and excited when you talk about school.

When you see her at the end of the day, be excited to hear about the wonderful things she did.

Focus on how happy you are to hear about school and not on her distress.

You can also help her to choose something of yours (a necklace or bracelet that she can wear perhaps, or a photo of her loved ones) to bring with her to school. Something to hold onto when she misses you.

There is a book called "the Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn that can be helpful if your daughter is having trouble separating.

Find another family in the school to befriend and schedule play dates with.

Ask the teacher if you can donate a favorite toy of your child's to the classroom for her to look forward to playing with. 

Give her crayons and let her express her worries on paper.

One final thought - while it seems like it's been forever, two weeks is not impossibly long, and she may yet make this adjustment on her own, don't give up!

I wish you both the best of luck.

How do I help my Kindee pass the spelling test?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is in Kindergarten and has started taking spelling tests.  I'm dumbfounded.  Is that normal now? And either way, do you have any suggestions for helping him memorize the spelling lists so he can pass the tests, it's kind of a big deal in his class.
- A Mom

Spelling lists and spelling tests are becoming much more acceptable practice in kindergarten.  

The fact that memorizing the spelling of words in lists for a test has very little transfer to writing in context at this young age doesn't seem to matter.  

Lists generated from the actual writing of Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade students can be helpful for learning to spell because they are words the child is approximating and needs help to straighten out.  

Lists generated or dictated by computer, curriculum, or published books of lists, are much less likely to support and transfer to a student's writing. And taking tests on these lists of words, regardless of how they are derived, will not support or increase accurate spelling in daily writing. Careful and explicit individual instruction on them in context will.

The trick to scoring well on a spelling test, is to drill the letter-by-letter spelling of the words orally and in writing, approximating the administration of the test as closely as possible, and giving a final practice as close to test time as possible.

The tricks to learning to spell words are to; find them in books, practice using them in written sentences - including writing with magnetic or other movable letters, discuss how the word is spelled and why it is or isn't spelled as it sounds, picture it before trying to write it, and look at it after writing to see if it looks like it does in books.

The one biggest support to learning to spell is reading. The more your child reads, the more words he recognizes in books, the more likely he will be able to spot his own errors and correct them.

To pass the test, make sure you drill him on the way to school on spelling test day.

How do I get my child to want to read?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter's teacher wants her to do more reading at home because she is below grade level in reading.  I've tried taking her to the library to find books at her level, but I can't seem to make her read them.  What else can I do?
- 3rd grade Mom

The library is a great start! 

Third grade is a pivotal time when reading focus changes from learning to read, to reading to learn. Right now is when making up lost ground can make the biggest difference in school success.

See if  you can find books about things she is interested in. Even if they are at a more challenging reading level than she can handle alone.

Try reading with her: it is amazing what a huge difference a little time spent with a book and someone you love can make in a child's attitude toward reading.  

You can read aloud to her and talk about books that are above her reading level, and you can support her reading a book by reading alongside her and helping her when she comes to sticky parts.  

When she finds something that interests her and is at her level, ask her to read aloud to you and talk about it with her.  Then try having her read on her own and come back and tell you about it.  

I've posted some other suggestions about making sure your children see you reading so they have a good role model at home, and there is some research that suggests having lots of books in the home makes a difference. 

Building toward independence by building up a desire to share reading is time well spent right now.

How can I help with writing composition homework?

Ms. Dorothy,
Those sites for math help were great! Now what can you suggest for English Composition?  You know ______ has always struggled with writing.  What can I do to help?
- Middle School Mom

I just read a couple of things today with some suggestions for you. 

You'll find a list of tips here for better writing, as well as links to some other resources.  

This post has some wonderful thoughts about journaling, and there is a list of prompts to practice with here.

Let me know more specifics about what you are working on, and I'll see what else I can offer.

How can I help a child make a fresh start?

Ms. Dorothy, 
Here is a kid in fifth grade. He has always seemed to get in some trouble. Mostly impulse control, social ineptness, but big enough for other teachers to remember. Now he has the self image of a kiddo who is problematic + he's really disorganized. How do I get him ready to start middle school so he can have a fresh start?
- An Aunt

What a great positive approach.  In life, we are given a few opportunities to start fresh and re-invent ourselves, and transitioning between schools is certainly one!

Knowing that impulse control and disorganization are a part of many people's lives, but are not who they are, is a key to moving past the worry. 

Have him look over a list of symptoms for ADD or ADHD and see what things he has in common and what things he doesn't.  The sense of control that is possible when you know you are "normal" and can choose what you manifest is very powerful.

At the same time, there are many diet changes, organization systems, and focus techniques that are used to support children who struggle with these symptoms, and he may find those helpful too.

You may find the book Right Brained Children in a Left Brained World has some interesting ideas for supporting him.

Whatever you decide to try, a great move for him would be to approach his middle school teachers and explain that he is aware of his issues and that he is making efforts to grow and improve himself. Asking for the teacher's support and understanding will demonstrate maturity and self-efficacy and may win him the favor of those he has to work with for the next few  years.

Remember too, that sharing your own experiences with becoming organized, or thinking before acting, will help him to see that he is not alone and that many successful adults fought these same battles in school.

How do I help my kids cope with my divorce?

Ms. Dorothy,
My husband and I are splitting up. Our two daughters are having a hard time with this.  The high schooler is taking it much worse than either of us expected. She is struggling academically, socially, and is emotionally depressed. She is old enough to understand what's going on, so why is this so hard for her?
- A Mom

Changes in the home impact different children in different ways, but they are all affected by it in some way, no matter how old they are.

Your daughters should both see a counselor.  

Your high schooler is showing some dramatic outward reactions to this, and needs very real help to cope with her emotions.

But don't neglect your younger daughter. Just because her response hasn't been as overt, does not mean she isn't suffering as well. As a matter of fact, she is probably also dealing with the confusion and stress of the household's reactions to her older sister.

Please contact the kids' schools or their doctors and get a referral to a counselor right away. Putting this off could make things much worse, and much harder to remedy.

How do I get my daughter to speak in school?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter _______ will not talk in her preschool class.  She can, and does talk at home, but her teacher has never heard her voice.  It's not just shyness, she is a "selective mute" at school and doesn't speak from the moment we arrive in the parking lot in the morning till we are out of sight of the building headed home.  Do you have any thoughts that could help us?
Mom of a 4 year old

Selective mutism is a form of social anxiety.  Your daughter isn't choosing not to speak at school, she is scared of speaking at school.  

There are resources available on-line that can help you understand the diagnosis, but the important thing is that you not get lost in the diagnosis and how you feel about what is happening with her.  

She needs a combination of support for taking risks in small successive steps, and understanding about how she is feeling. The teacher needs to work with you to encourage her without pressuring her, and to support her efforts without enabling her.  

It is a challenge, but it is something that should be addressed with understanding so that it does not become exaggerated over time. 

Try bringing home one of the children from school for a play date. If your daughter can speak to that child in your home where she feels safe, perhaps she can extend it to talking to that child in the classroom. Adding one friend at a time could help alleviate the stress.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 1)

Ms Dorothy,

My son started Kindergarten in September.  His teacher gives "smiley" faces when the student had a good day and "frowney" faces when the student has misbehaved.  ______comes home almost every day with a "frowney" face.  I spoke to his teacher and she says he is not cooperating.  He speaks out of turn and is having trouble staying in his seat.  I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and punished him for his outbursts.  I have a two and a half year old daughter and a newborn son - I'm at my wits end!  Help!

- Mom of 3

Managing a class of 20 to 30 energetic 5 year olds is a unique challenge.  It is as unlike handling preschoolers, as it is first graders.  Kindergarten, in many places, is a half day of trying to help get children ready for the next 12 or 16 years of school.  

Many teachers struggle with negotiating the challenges of a classroom full of people who may never have had to share an adult with more than one or two siblings before.  Suddenly to find that you have 25 children, all of whom are accustomed to getting almost immediate attention when they want it, can be a nightmare.

There are a lot of "systems" out there to help teachers share responsibility with parents for "training" children to wait their turn, cooperate, or "behave."  Smiley faces, cards colored for warnings, three strike rules, names on boards, numbered charts, stamps on hands - all of these are ways to coerce cooperation from children, and all of them hold the threat of reporting home as a consequence.  Ironically, this happens in classrooms where "tattling" is taboo.

The truth is, that kindergarten children have already lived long enough to figure out that getting one of their most basic needs met, that of belonging, can happen one of two ways.  What they desire most is the approval of adults around them, but barring that, getting attention for doing things wrong, will do. 

They have managed for 5 years to learn most of what they know, not from being told, but from being praised for approximations.  We encourage our children in crawling, walking, babbling, talking, riding a trike, etc., all through positive responses to their attempts.  

Suddenly, at age 5, we ask them to share the praise with twenty or more others.  We expect them to learn by listening and watching, and much less doing than they are accustomed to, and to get it right immediately upon being taught.  

Kindergarten children are clever enough to settle, some of them quite quickly, for the attention that negative behavior brings.  Getting singled out is, getting singled out, after all.  The worst part of this is that your child will develop a pattern of behavior, and a reputation, that will travel with him throughout his school career if it isn't changed now.

Much more effective management happens when teachers expend the bulk of their energy finding the things their students are doing right, and praising them for it.  Remarking about how one student is sitting patiently, while ignoring the one who is calling out, will instantly get several other children to sit patiently.  It may not convince the "blurter" right away, but ignore that behavior a few times, and it will begin to change. 

If your child's teacher is sending home reports, stamping his hand, giving out frowney faces, or the like, ignore it.  Completely.  

When he comes home, ask him what he was most proud of.  Talk about that.  And praise him for it.  Turn his attention to what he is doing well.

And if you doubt that ignoring the teacher's frowny faces is the right thing to do, ask yourself what she would do if you sent a note in with him explaining that he hadn't eaten all his broccoli at dinner time.  

How do I help my child with writing?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son's report card said he should "write every day about himself."  Why would a 6 year old need to write about himself every day?  What is he supposed to be writing?  How do I help him if I don't understand the directions?
- Kindergarten Dad

It is wonderful that you want to help your son work on this.  His teacher will probably have some specific instructions that will help you to reach this goal, so make an appointment right away to discuss it.

One of the most common pieces of advice given to writers is that they should write what they know. For very young children who are beginning to write, this will mostly look like writing about what happens in their daily lives.  

Kindergarten is a time for learning to draw with details. Drawing real people, places and events gives them material to begin writing about.  

Things your son has experienced first hand will be easiest to recall and describe, and are probably the stories most important to him.

A story as simple as "I went to the store with my Dad.  We bought a toy.  I like it."  gives your child opportunity to learn a great deal about the construction of  a word, a sentence, and a story, and will become a story he can recall and therefore "read" back.  

Anything your son draws or writes will help him to grow.  Find out what the teacher is hoping for with this report card comment so that your work at home aligns with what is being taught in the classroom.

How do I know how much homework to give?

Ms. Dorothy,
As a parent, I've often felt that a teacher gave too much, or not enough homework for my child.  Tomorrow I step into the lead teacher position in a classroom, and I find myself wondering how to strike that balance for the 27 children in my 1st grade class.  Any suggestions?
-New Teacher

Congratulations on taking the lead teacher position!  How exciting for you and for those 1st graders!  

Finding the right balance of homework is always a challenge because our tendency, as teachers, is to be "fair" and give everyone the same homework assignments.  

Homework should be about practicing what is learned in school.  It is rare when a majority of the  class is ready to independently practice the same thing at the same time, so having the same homework assignment for all of them doesn't always make sense.  

Consider the time that will be spent on each task, and the amount of support that each child will need to complete the work.  Whenever possible, make options to extend or simplify the assignment so that it can be catered to specific needs of different children.

Keep in mind the 10 minute rule of thumb for elementary students and think about giving homework that is open-ended and involves some choice.  That way students who are inspired by the topic can get carried away, and students that are able to turn it into something they are excited about can do that too.

Encourage creativity and applaud inventiveness in the way homework is completed, and your students will make projects of their practice.

How can I get this child to stop whining?

Ms. Dorothy,
_______ can speak in broken sentences, but often when he wants something he whines and does not use his words. His mom and dad and I don't all agree on how to handle the whining. He often winds up in a full tantrum to get what he wants. What steps can we take to strengthen his verbalization and curb the whining?
- Day Care Provider

The first step you will need to take, is to sit down with the parents and get some agreement about what you are going to do to help him grow. Consistency is essential if you are trying to encourage one behavior and discourage another.

This child needs to know that his needs will be met. If he believes that the world is a safe and consistent place, he is more likely to relax and trust that a problem isn't forever, and that there is something he can do to get his problems solved.

The adults in his life also need to understand that he will speak to communicate one day, but not necessarily on their time-tables. And that is okay.

Talk to him more. Talk about what you are doing as you go about your day. Remain calm and clear in your conversations with him so that he sees a good example.

If the adults relax and work together, the reduction in stress alone may translate into more talking and less whining.

How do I support beginning reading?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter is beginning to read phonetically. Her pre-school has her practicing blending letter sounds to "sound out words" but she doesn't know any sight words yet. Should I be using flash cards at home to help her learn some sight words? Is there a better way to teach her to read without being completely dependent on sounding it out? Or should I just leave it alone for now and let her learn in Kindergarten?
- Mom of a 4 year old.

If your daughter is beginning to read and enjoying it, there is no reason not to support her.

Find out from her preschool teacher what next steps they are planning to follow to help her grow as a reader, and (unless you completely disagree with their approach) align what you are doing at home to what she is learning in school.

More than likely she will begin to encounter simple sight words in the books she is already "sounding out" which will be a natural opening. Then you can practice finding those same sight words in other places - magazines you are reading, recipes while you are cooking together, bedtime stories you are reading to her.

Sometimes, when you are reading beginner books with her, you will need to supply the words she doesn't know, but encouraging her to check the pictures, or what seems to make sense to decide what the next word might be are great ways to build vocabulary. Then her reading will be more than sounding out words and sight words because she will begin to recognize words in context.

As long as you are giving her an enjoyable experience that involves time with you and books, she will learn to love reading. Then all those different approaches to figuring out what a book says will become more natural to her.

How can I help my child with spelling?

Ms. Dorothy,
My fourth grader is not such a great speller. I try to help him practice his spelling, but at times he seems to not retain the memory of the word's correct spelling. Can you give me some ways to help him?
- Homework Mom

Spelling is a visual activity. You have to be able to see that a word is spelled wrong, and you have to be able to see the correct spelling. That is why when you ask someone, "How do you spell _____," they often have to write it down to know that it is correct.

The one best way to become a good speller is by reading. The more books you read, the larger the bank of correctly spelled words you will recognize, and the less likely you are to spell inaccurately. If your child is mostly reading his own writing, he is reinforcing a visual image of his own misspellings over and over again.

You can continue to practice spelling words with him, but if he is reciting these and not picturing the word or seeing the word written, he is less likely to retain it, recognize when he has written it wrong, or be able to correct his own errors.

Increase the amount and variety of his reading materials, and his spelling will begin to improve.

How do I help my children get ready for college?

Ms Dorothy,

What are some good resources for getting your kid financially ready for college, if you know you won‘t be able to afford tuition, like scholarships, financial aid, work-study programs? My parents never went to college so they had no IDEA how to help prepare us kids. My brother and sister ended up dropping out and I’m just now finishing after starting 13 years ago! I want my kids to go, and I want to know NOW what to do to help.

- Mom of three

This is a great time to start thinking about college and what you will need to know. Start educating yourself now, and you will be ready to help your children when the time comes.

One thing you need to know is that the landscape keeps changing when it comes to federal grants and loans, and even when it comes to what colleges are expecting. There are some great resources out there that can help you stay abreast of changes. Look at this Education Weekly blog for some current info about the issues that impact getting access to colleges.

Keeping your children focused on that goal is important, and it isn't too early to start. The more they are engaged in the things they are passionate about, even as they change over the years, the more interesting they will be to the colleges and scholarships they apply for.

Because you are in college yourself, your children are getting to see how you value education, and are learning about what it takes to be a college student first hand.

Letting them know that you expect them to be in school through college may be the biggest difference between how you raise your children and how your parents raised you.

How do I get my boys to READ?

Ms. Dorothy,
When it is time to read, how do I get my boys to sit and read for the amount of time appropriate for their grade? I have sons from grade school to high school, and they all seem to have a hard time focusing on reading. I find they wiggle and make excuses to not sit and read.
- Homeworking Mom

The first most important thing about getting kids to read is helping them to find something that interests them. Remember that reading doesn't have to be about a novel either. Recipes are for reading, manuals, magazines, newspapers and even blogs can be great reading material.

One thing that a lot of busy parents overlook is the fact that children learn to value what they see their parents value. Telling them about how important reading is to you isn't quite enough. They need to see the adults in their life read, and your boys need to see that the men in their life make time to read.

So often we save reading as a treat to enjoy when the business of the day is done, and the kids are off to bed. Making reading a treat to share with your sons in the middle of a weekend day can go a long way toward inspiring them to read. Everyone grab their own reading materials, find yourselves in the same room and read, read, read.

How do I explain Middle School homework?

Ms. Dorothy -

Although my child is a very intelligent individual, he commonly comes home confused. My son tells me that he will ask a question and the teacher answers the question very vaguely or only gives one explanation or example. How do I help him understand how to complete his homework?

- Middle School Mom

Your son is very smart indeed to know that what he needs in order to understand an assignment is additional explanations and examples. Knowing himself as a learner will be so helpful to him throughout his education!

One of the hardest things about transitioning from an elementary school into a middle or high school is getting used to having multiple teachers to work with. It can be hard for those teachers to get to know all their students as readily as elementary teachers do.

It may be challenging for this teacher to know exactly what it is he needs, or to understand what he is asking for in the middle of class. Perhaps scheduling a quick meeting with her is his best course of action. If he can explain his needs to her at a separate time, he may be able to get the kind of answer that will help him in the future.

In the meantime, have him give me a call, and we'll figure this assignment out together.

How can I prepare my child for starting school?

Ms. Dorothy,

My daughter will not be able to enter kindergarten this year because of cut-off dates, and I can’t afford a preschool program to keep her learning until she can start school next year. What suggestions do you have for teaching her at home? She can count to at least 20, and knows all the letters and sounds, she is really ready to read & I just need to know what to do to keep her moving forward. Can you help?

- Mom of a 4 year old

She is so well prepared already for kindergarten! I commend you for wanting to continue working with her. There is no harm in having her ahead before she starts school.

One of the best things you could do for her would be to take her out and give her some cultural experiences. Going to an Art or Science museum would be so enriching, and many provide free days or sponsor cultural events in the community.

One of the best ways to get her to move into reading is by getting her started writing. Have her draw pictures and tell you the story . You can “publish” the stories as little books, and practice reading them with her.

Most of all, have fun! The concepts she learns through playing will be the foundations of all her later learning .

How do I help my child stay out of trouble?

Ms. Dorothy -
My son is having a hard time in school. He doesn't stay on task well, and is constantly being re-directed by the teacher. She is trying to stay positive, but he comes home every day and tells us his day was bad. He can't get through a day with his behavior card still on green. We have been trying to ask him about why he got in trouble so we can help him problem solve what else he could have done. What else should we be doing to help him?
- Dad of a 1st grader


Your son has a teacher and parents who all want to support him in such positive ways. Keep up the problem solving conversations!

One thing you might want to start doing with him at home is really turning his focus toward what is working. It can be really hard to fight the parent impulse to ask "How was today? Did you get in trouble?" Instead, try and ask every day, "What were you most proud of today?" and hold out for specifics. It will push for a focus on what is working.

Over time, he will get better at answering, and you will have turned his attention to the positive aspects of his day.That doesn't mean he won't ever get in trouble, or that his card will always be green, but it will help him to see that you value the best parts of his day.

How can I help my child learn sight words?

Ms. Dorothy -

______ is starting to bring home sight words. What do I do? We picked three from the group of 10 (I, Like, The) and worked them into story-time. We made sentences and looked for them in the story. How are we doing?

-Dad of a Kindergartener

I think it's wonderful that you trusted yourself enough to just do it and get a second opinion afterward! Keep up the great work! You are right on the mark!

We have 25 sight words that Kinders are supposed to read by the end of the year. The first 10 are for the first semester.

Choosing three, and choosing ones that are visually very different (number of letters, beginning sounds, word shapes) are great ways to find a basis for comparison!

Looking for the words in books is exactly what I have the kids do in the classroom. When you are reading and you come to the word, stop and have him read it for you. That's great stuff! I have a safari hat and a fly swatter in my classroom, and I have the kids go on a word safari and search for the sight words. (It's fun for them to try to sneak up on the sentence strips to swat a word.)

Some parents and teachers make flash cards and practice drilling the words too. That won't guarantee transfer to actual books; and I think that it is recognizing the words in context that matters most for learning to read, not just learning discrete words.

Your instincts are perfect. You are a natural, and he is going to do wonderfully with your support at home!