How do I deal with 3rd grade tantrums?

Ms. Dorothy,
I have a student in my 3rd grade class who throws tantrums. He gets violent and throws things and screams very much like a toddler. What can I do to make him stop?
-Frustrated Teacher

I wonder what kinds of things trigger these tantrums, the frequency, duration and situations surrounding them that might be a clue to what is going on  with him.

The truth is that this behavior is successful for him.  There is something that he wants, and he gets that need satisfied by the fits.  

It really has nothing to do with the immediate situation, it has to do with the attention he needs and the feelings he is experiencing and trying to express.

The tantrum will need to run it's course before he will be able to discuss it. Try taking the rest of the class out of the room the next time he "goes off." Then when he is through, perhaps he will be open to talking about it and learning some tools for better problem solving.

How do I stop a teacher from yelling?

Ms. Dorothy -
I run an afterschool program and have an assistant who will be doing her student teaching in January. She has several years of experience in working with kids, but not with me.
The problem is that she yells at kids and 'gets in their face'. When I talk to her about it, she seems to understand, but continues to do it when the kids are not listening and when she thinks I'm not around. I have shared my philosophy about mutual respect supported by firm boundaries, but she doesn't seem to be listening.
Any great Ms. Dorothy insight?
- After School Teacher

One of the hardest things to learn, without living to a ripe old age, is how fragile life is.

There are two great sayings that get passed around. I don't agree with either, and I've modified both.

First is the Golden Rule. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." This one presupposes that how I feel, and what I want, is right for everyone. It neglects the cultural and personal preferences of "other" and it allows us to keep "self" at the center of all interactions

So, my Platinum Rule is "Do unto others as they would have done unto them." Check in first. Ask if a hug is welcome before hugging.

Ask the students to help devise a way to get their attention and remind them to tune in when they are not listening.

The second is "Live every day as if it is your last." This one invites you to give freely without concern about holding back something for later. And yet, it is still centered on the self.

Being a teacher isn't about the self. It's about the other.

So, I prefer "Live every day as if you will live forever, and no one else will." Be more kind than you think is called for. Give away more than you think you can. Be gentle and remember, there are no guarantees that this won't be the LAST thing they hear.

If we stop and take the perspective of the child to heart, we will "first do no harm." (That's one I wouldn't modify.)

Help her to see her interactions with the children differently & perhaps her approach will change.

How can I center myself and my class?

Ms. Dorothy-
I go back to teaching tomorrow, and my first class of the day is kindergarten. Do you have any suggestions for a mantra or centering phrase I can do to calm myself and my kids?
- Music Teacher

How exciting to be starting fresh in a new school! They are going to love you, so just relax!

One technique that is always helpful for calming the emotional center of the brain is deep breathing. It is also really helpful for singing!

Teach the children to breathe in through their noses and feel the breath fill up their bellies, and then exhale through their mouths slowly. Three deep breaths will really calm you, body and mind.

Have them imagine that they are smelling a sweet flower, and then blowing on a pinwheel or a lit candle.

Repeating "Smell the rose. Blow out the candle" three times while they (and you) breathe is a great way to center and be ready for what is ahead.

It is helpful for clearing your head if you are upset too, so it's a nice addition for the kids to learn when they have to resolve a problem.

Best of luck tomorrow! Have fun!

How do I get children to do their work?

Ms. Dorothy - 

My children are supposed to have their planner signed every night as their homework. If they dont have it signed they have to stand on the line for recess. It drives me crazy because we are punishing them when in reality it is their parents who we want to be responsible. besides taking away recess what other ideas do you have for if a child is missing homework or not finishing work in class?

- First Year Teacher

If a child doesn’t finish work during the time allotted in class, I have them use their lunch recess to do it.  Typically it is because they are playing in the classroom, and I tell them that they’ve chosen to take recess during work time, so they’ll have to use recess time to do work.  

 It usually only takes one time of sitting alone doing work while everyone else is playing to decide to use time differently during class.

I am not a big fan of universal homework.  Generally, kids don’t all need to practice the same things the same amount of time.  If the homework is individualized, students are more willing to do it.  You have to explain what they are being asked to do and why.  They are usually better able to do the work, and want to bring it back and show you what they've done after that little bit of one-on-one attention.

As far as taking away recess for not doing homework – I can’t imagine it works.  The consequence is too far removed from the offence and unrelated.    

I’d first check my intentions about the purpose of the homework.  I'd ask myself, is it specific and essential, meaningful and manageable? 

If so, I would offer to stay after school with the ones that are having the hardest time getting it done, or getting support at home, and help them to do it!  Then it’s done.

If I can’t do the after school time, I'd try doing a homework club during lunch recess. If the goal is for them to learn something, then doing the unfinished work during recess serves that end. 

There is a difference between teaching and punishing.

When your objective is to punish a child, you are satisfying your need.  When your objective is to satisfy the need of a child, there is a good chance they will learn.

How do I deal with my daughter's 2nd grade drama?

Ms. Dorothy-

_____ is in the middle of a "bff" triangle and today one of the little girls made a fist and told her, "Shut your mouth or I'll shut it for you!" I am HORRIFIED. And I can't help but wonder where on earth a 7-year old little girl heard that in the first place.

I emailed the teacher and she said she'd take care of it right away. Seriously though, where does a kid learn that stuff?! And what do I say to my daughter about all this?! 
- Mom of a 2nd grader 

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about this, and I'm really glad you let the teacher know. You would be amazed at how much escalation can be avoided by having the teacher step in right away!

None of us wants to believe that we have exposed our young children to harsh language or expressions, but even cartoons are filled with horrifying ways of dealing with problems. It is not at all uncommon for children to resort to trying out techniques they've heard or seen when confronted with a challenging and novel social situation.

It is evident that your daughter's friend was frustrated, and that she wanted to resolve the problem with words, but knew that physical solutions were an option. I'm sure that you, and your husband, felt exactly the same way when you heard about this! We all know there is a hierarchy of conflict resolution techniques, and it often takes facing a challenge to discover our true character.

How awful the parents of that other girl must feel to realize that when confronted with such a test, their daughter evidenced the basest of reactions. How fortunate your daughter is that her parents chose to seek additional information and help from the teacher rather than just acting rashly when they were faced with a test of their own problem solving skills.

When toddlers bite, it is seldom because they come from bad homes, are underfed, or have been taught that this is a good way to get what they want. It is usually because they are trying to express something they don't have the tools to express and their frustration is all in their mouths, so they demonstrate their frustration with their mouths.

When young children struggle with defining their friendships, there is often a lot of drama, and sometimes horrifying things are said, or done. What a great opportunity this is for your daughter to learn about the ways the adults in her life see her, value her, and handle real problems.

Remember that if you want your children to be resilient, you must both give them the tools to handle the unexpected, and trust them to use the tools independently. What you model is important, and so is your belief in their abilities.

Talk to her about her feelings rather than yours. Invite her to identify what it felt like to be spoken to that way, and if she thinks she has ever been as frustrated as the other girl was. Ask her if she can think of other ways that girl could have handled her anger. Wonder with her what could take someone to such a hard place and help her to feel something other than hurt and anger toward that other child.

Encourage her for finding a positive way to get support with an overwhelming situation. Recognize that she was not just seeking your help, but your reactions to help her define how she should feel. The less you let this overwhelm you, the more she learns about her ability to handle a problem, and the more strategies she will have when it comes up again.

And, make no mistake, it will come up again. You are an adult, and you just faced a huge challenge! This is a part of life, and knowing that we have tools, and believing that we know how to use them is the key to facing challenges well.