How do I help my 2 year old adjust to school?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am a working lady. My daughter is 2years and 4 months old, she is able to speak fluently in her mother tongue, and understands English as well. In my absence she is taken care by my Mother in law.
She got admitted to pre-kindergarten or nursery on 13th June. She goes to school in school van, her school timings are 8.30 am to 11.30 am, 5days a week. It’s been more than 2 weeks, but still cries a lot and reluctant to go school everyday. She wakes up in the morning and starts telling/crying “don’t want to go school” till she sits in school van.
I try to make her understand that school is a lovely place by telling many stories every night before getting sleep, but the next day morning it’s the same.
Even on off days i.e. Saturdays and Sundays, even after we tell her that. Saturdays and Sundays are holidays, making her ready as part of daily routine or plan to take out somewhere, she thinks that we might send her school, she is fearful and whole day very often she tells I don’t want to go school.
I spoke to her teacher; she says she is okay at school. She blames me that I am over anxious and over protective, that’s why my child is behaving so. But I don’t really admit.
Each day is getting a challenge for me. Please help me out to make my child comfortable to school.
-Concerned Mother

There are many reasons why children express fear about going to school.

The biggest worry is always that there is something happening at school which frightens her. An insensitive or neglectful teacher, a bully, even someone trying to do her harm. I can tell you that while this is every mother's greatest fear, it is very rarely the cause of a child's distress.

Chances are that the teacher is not blaming you as much as she is trying to reassure you of this fact.

Your daughter is probably safe and just fine in school as the teacher told you, but her fear and distress are also very real and should not be ignored.

By the age of 2, children are usually trying to figure out how to get what they want. Sometimes children your daughter's age become demanding, or throw tantrums, or tell people "no!" as they try to discover how to get their needs met. Your daughter may be expressing fear and trying to gain control of an uncomfortable situation.

While your daughter understands English, she may not be comfortable to express herself to people who do not speak her mother tongue. This could mean that the three hours she is in school feel very isolating to her. If she is not hearing the language that is most comfortable to her ears, those three hours can seem very long and distant.

She has also had the undivided attention of an adult up until now, and suddenly to have to share the only adult with other children in a class can be very hard for some children.

She may be experimenting with making you feel guilty, and trying to see if she can have her will. Or playing out behaviors she thinks are expected. Believe it or not, sometimes children think that they are expressing how much they love you when they cry about going to school, and that you might be disappointed if you thought they didn't miss you.

Sometimes children become distressed because they don't like letting a younger sibling have a parent's attention while they are not around.

There are some things you can do to help her with her worry about going to school.
What you are already doing - telling her stories to comfort her - is excellent, and you will need to be consistent and keep telling her about what a lovely place school is, and not let her see your concern.

Instead of talking about Saturdays and Sundays as holidays from school, try and talk about what sad days they are because she does not GET to go to school. If you are reassuring her in a way that makes her think school is something she has to tolerate, she may continue to resist it.
Stay positive and happy and excited when you talk about school.

When you see her at the end of the day, be excited to hear about the wonderful things she did.

Focus on how happy you are to hear about school and not on her distress.

You can also help her to choose something of yours (a necklace or bracelet that she can wear perhaps, or a photo of her loved ones) to bring with her to school. Something to hold onto when she misses you.

There is a book called "the Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn that can be helpful if your daughter is having trouble separating.

Find another family in the school to befriend and schedule play dates with.

Ask the teacher if you can donate a favorite toy of your child's to the classroom for her to look forward to playing with. 

Give her crayons and let her express her worries on paper.

One final thought - while it seems like it's been forever, two weeks is not impossibly long, and she may yet make this adjustment on her own, don't give up!

I wish you both the best of luck.

How do I get my child over her fear of the school bus?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter is terrified of riding the school bus home at the end of the day. She says she is afraid she will fall asleep and miss her stop. She also says the big kids on the bus scare her because they are really rowdy and out of control. I know she is only in Kindergarten, but I can't see this getting better any time soon, and I can't see driving to get her forever!  Help?
- Mom's Taxi

If your daughter is truly frightened of riding the bus, maybe picking her up is your best option for a while. The stress of worrying about it will impact her learning, and until you can address all of her concerns, the best thing is probably to help her relax about the trip home.

Finding an older student who lives in your area that can be in charge of her might be helpful when you think she is ready to give the bus a try.

Offer to hire this student as a babysitter to escort your child home. Have the older student meet your daughter after class and walk with her to the bus, ride with her, and walk her home from the bus stop. This could go a long way toward relieving your child of her fear of the big kids.

Talk to the bus driver and explain your daughter's concerns. Sometimes a seat up front behind the driver is reassuring to younger students. The bus driver may simply not be aware of the situation.

Ask the principal to meet with 5th and 6th graders who ride the buses and remind them of how overwhelming it can be to a young child who has never been allowed to ride without a car seat before, to suddenly be unbuckled in a bus with children she doesn't know.

Perhaps a little awareness training will help all the students in the school.

Meanwhile, keep driving, and keep talking about how much you like those older students and how much fun it might be when she is bigger and ready to ride with them. 

Changing her mind about the things she needs to be afraid of may be all it takes.

How do I get a frightened child to ride the bus?

Ms. Dorothy,
My 2nd grader is TERRIFIED of riding the bus. How can I make her comfortable with it? She is nervous about walking from her class to the bus, and she's worried that since she's so tired after school, she might fall asleep on the bus and miss her stop. Driving to and from school every day is making me crazy!  What are your thoughts?
- A Mom

It seems to me, that any time an 8 year old expresses such extreme fear, there is probably something more to look at. 

Taking her feelings seriously is a great way to ensure that she will continue to trust you with her honest emotions and fears as she grows into her teens. 

Walking from the class to the bus can be very chaotic (and seldom looks like walking!)
 
If your daughter is concerned about sleeping on the bus, she may be exhausted by the stress of her day, or of the bus ride itself.  It may be worth digging a little deeper to see if there is more going on than you are aware of.

Some children are nervous about missing the bus if they don't race, and others worry about the age range that ride the bus together.  

When we train children (by sending them to a school system that segregates by age) to believe that they can only think, work and make friends with children who were born in the same year, we inadvertently instill a misunderstanding of, and the potential for fear of, those who are older and younger.  

You could try to find an older neighbor that rides the bus and "hire" him or her to collect your daughter and walk with her to the bus, ride with her to their stop, and make sure she gets off.  If you  make it a "babysitting" job for a slightly older (but not yet old enough to officially babysit) child, you might even be able to "pay" in after-school snacks.

Another thing you might consider is continuing to drive until she feels she is ready for the bus.  As crazy as it makes you now, there will come a day that you miss those rides to and from school with her!

How serious is stranger danger in school?

Ms. Dorothy,
Our daughter _______ came home one day saying one of the “old men” that worked at her school told her he loved her and hugged her. It made her EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I'm sure it wasn't anything to be worried about, but I don't want to ignore it either. I'm not sure how I should handle it. What would you suggest?
- Mom of a 1st Grader

You are probably right that there isn't anything to worry about, but you are also right to take it seriously.

Sometimes we can over-sensitize our children when we teach them to be aware of strangers, and they end up afraid of everyone they don't know. While this can keep them out of trouble, it can also leave them feeling fearful of situations that are actually harmless.

It is important to let your daughter know that you will take what she says seriously, but it is also important to try and assess the real significance of the situation.

Going to the school with her, and introducing yourself to the "old man" that gave her a hug is the best place to start. You can explain to him that she is very shy and sensitive and prefers not to be approached when she is without you. This will let her know that you will protect her and take her seriously, and it may diffuse some of the stranger fear she is feeling about him.

Background checks are required of all school employees, so the benefit of the doubt isn't out of order. Even so, if it feels at all wrong to you, go straight to the administrator and report the situation.

Most of all, make sure that she knows who she can go to in the school if she ever feels that her safety is in question.