How do I help my 2 year old adjust to school?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am a working lady. My daughter is 2years and 4 months old, she is able to speak fluently in her mother tongue, and understands English as well. In my absence she is taken care by my Mother in law.
She got admitted to pre-kindergarten or nursery on 13th June. She goes to school in school van, her school timings are 8.30 am to 11.30 am, 5days a week. It’s been more than 2 weeks, but still cries a lot and reluctant to go school everyday. She wakes up in the morning and starts telling/crying “don’t want to go school” till she sits in school van.
I try to make her understand that school is a lovely place by telling many stories every night before getting sleep, but the next day morning it’s the same.
Even on off days i.e. Saturdays and Sundays, even after we tell her that. Saturdays and Sundays are holidays, making her ready as part of daily routine or plan to take out somewhere, she thinks that we might send her school, she is fearful and whole day very often she tells I don’t want to go school.
I spoke to her teacher; she says she is okay at school. She blames me that I am over anxious and over protective, that’s why my child is behaving so. But I don’t really admit.
Each day is getting a challenge for me. Please help me out to make my child comfortable to school.
-Concerned Mother

There are many reasons why children express fear about going to school.

The biggest worry is always that there is something happening at school which frightens her. An insensitive or neglectful teacher, a bully, even someone trying to do her harm. I can tell you that while this is every mother's greatest fear, it is very rarely the cause of a child's distress.

Chances are that the teacher is not blaming you as much as she is trying to reassure you of this fact.

Your daughter is probably safe and just fine in school as the teacher told you, but her fear and distress are also very real and should not be ignored.

By the age of 2, children are usually trying to figure out how to get what they want. Sometimes children your daughter's age become demanding, or throw tantrums, or tell people "no!" as they try to discover how to get their needs met. Your daughter may be expressing fear and trying to gain control of an uncomfortable situation.

While your daughter understands English, she may not be comfortable to express herself to people who do not speak her mother tongue. This could mean that the three hours she is in school feel very isolating to her. If she is not hearing the language that is most comfortable to her ears, those three hours can seem very long and distant.

She has also had the undivided attention of an adult up until now, and suddenly to have to share the only adult with other children in a class can be very hard for some children.

She may be experimenting with making you feel guilty, and trying to see if she can have her will. Or playing out behaviors she thinks are expected. Believe it or not, sometimes children think that they are expressing how much they love you when they cry about going to school, and that you might be disappointed if you thought they didn't miss you.

Sometimes children become distressed because they don't like letting a younger sibling have a parent's attention while they are not around.

There are some things you can do to help her with her worry about going to school.
What you are already doing - telling her stories to comfort her - is excellent, and you will need to be consistent and keep telling her about what a lovely place school is, and not let her see your concern.

Instead of talking about Saturdays and Sundays as holidays from school, try and talk about what sad days they are because she does not GET to go to school. If you are reassuring her in a way that makes her think school is something she has to tolerate, she may continue to resist it.
Stay positive and happy and excited when you talk about school.

When you see her at the end of the day, be excited to hear about the wonderful things she did.

Focus on how happy you are to hear about school and not on her distress.

You can also help her to choose something of yours (a necklace or bracelet that she can wear perhaps, or a photo of her loved ones) to bring with her to school. Something to hold onto when she misses you.

There is a book called "the Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn that can be helpful if your daughter is having trouble separating.

Find another family in the school to befriend and schedule play dates with.

Ask the teacher if you can donate a favorite toy of your child's to the classroom for her to look forward to playing with. 

Give her crayons and let her express her worries on paper.

One final thought - while it seems like it's been forever, two weeks is not impossibly long, and she may yet make this adjustment on her own, don't give up!

I wish you both the best of luck.

How do I stop tattling in my classroom?

Ms. Dorothy,
What do I do with tattle-tales in my classroom?  It's just never-ending and exhausting.  
- Teacher

It is important to establish with your class that there are some things that they should tell about. Without that, turning away "tattlers" could be a real risk. 

Students should know that anytime they feel that terrible pit in their stomach, it means the fear is real and they should alert an adult.

They should also know that most of the time, they have the power to resolve the situation themselves. 

Take the time to build a routine and some procedures for students to peacefully resolve conflicts. Using a regular place and a ritual that takes some of the heat out of situations is helpful. Practice language patterns like "I messages" that supply your students with the tools to talk about what is upsetting them.  Brainstorm solutions with your students, and act out scenarios so they can see a model of what it looks like to work through a problem.

Sometimes it helps to turn the whole situation on it's ear and invite the tattler to consider the offender's feelings. Wondering, with a child, how many bad feelings someone must have to think that taking someone else's good feelings will help, can be a powerful perspective changer.

How do I get my child to want to read?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter's teacher wants her to do more reading at home because she is below grade level in reading.  I've tried taking her to the library to find books at her level, but I can't seem to make her read them.  What else can I do?
- 3rd grade Mom

The library is a great start! 

Third grade is a pivotal time when reading focus changes from learning to read, to reading to learn. Right now is when making up lost ground can make the biggest difference in school success.

See if  you can find books about things she is interested in. Even if they are at a more challenging reading level than she can handle alone.

Try reading with her: it is amazing what a huge difference a little time spent with a book and someone you love can make in a child's attitude toward reading.  

You can read aloud to her and talk about books that are above her reading level, and you can support her reading a book by reading alongside her and helping her when she comes to sticky parts.  

When she finds something that interests her and is at her level, ask her to read aloud to you and talk about it with her.  Then try having her read on her own and come back and tell you about it.  

I've posted some other suggestions about making sure your children see you reading so they have a good role model at home, and there is some research that suggests having lots of books in the home makes a difference. 

Building toward independence by building up a desire to share reading is time well spent right now.

How do I get my daughter to speak in school?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter _______ will not talk in her preschool class.  She can, and does talk at home, but her teacher has never heard her voice.  It's not just shyness, she is a "selective mute" at school and doesn't speak from the moment we arrive in the parking lot in the morning till we are out of sight of the building headed home.  Do you have any thoughts that could help us?
Mom of a 4 year old

Selective mutism is a form of social anxiety.  Your daughter isn't choosing not to speak at school, she is scared of speaking at school.  

There are resources available on-line that can help you understand the diagnosis, but the important thing is that you not get lost in the diagnosis and how you feel about what is happening with her.  

She needs a combination of support for taking risks in small successive steps, and understanding about how she is feeling. The teacher needs to work with you to encourage her without pressuring her, and to support her efforts without enabling her.  

It is a challenge, but it is something that should be addressed with understanding so that it does not become exaggerated over time. 

Try bringing home one of the children from school for a play date. If your daughter can speak to that child in your home where she feels safe, perhaps she can extend it to talking to that child in the classroom. Adding one friend at a time could help alleviate the stress.

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How do I get children to do their work?

Ms. Dorothy - 

My children are supposed to have their planner signed every night as their homework. If they dont have it signed they have to stand on the line for recess. It drives me crazy because we are punishing them when in reality it is their parents who we want to be responsible. besides taking away recess what other ideas do you have for if a child is missing homework or not finishing work in class?

- First Year Teacher

If a child doesn’t finish work during the time allotted in class, I have them use their lunch recess to do it.  Typically it is because they are playing in the classroom, and I tell them that they’ve chosen to take recess during work time, so they’ll have to use recess time to do work.  

 It usually only takes one time of sitting alone doing work while everyone else is playing to decide to use time differently during class.

I am not a big fan of universal homework.  Generally, kids don’t all need to practice the same things the same amount of time.  If the homework is individualized, students are more willing to do it.  You have to explain what they are being asked to do and why.  They are usually better able to do the work, and want to bring it back and show you what they've done after that little bit of one-on-one attention.

As far as taking away recess for not doing homework – I can’t imagine it works.  The consequence is too far removed from the offence and unrelated.    

I’d first check my intentions about the purpose of the homework.  I'd ask myself, is it specific and essential, meaningful and manageable? 

If so, I would offer to stay after school with the ones that are having the hardest time getting it done, or getting support at home, and help them to do it!  Then it’s done.

If I can’t do the after school time, I'd try doing a homework club during lunch recess. If the goal is for them to learn something, then doing the unfinished work during recess serves that end. 

There is a difference between teaching and punishing.

When your objective is to punish a child, you are satisfying your need.  When your objective is to satisfy the need of a child, there is a good chance they will learn.