Why do we study what we don't value?

We recently surveyed 104 teachers representing 12 US states, 4 provinces of Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Great Brittan and Japan, teachers from birth through university, with degrees from 92 colleges and universities ranging from none to AA, BA, MA, M.Ed, PhD, in 49 fields of study, with teaching credentials from none to state licensed, province licensed, specialty licensed, endorsed, credentialed, and certified, and teaching experience ranging from 0 to 44 years. What they had in common was access to the internet, and 90% self-identified as white/Caucasian.

Teachers evaluated the various teacher programs they participated in, and how they feel they were prepared in terms of various relationship development factors. 

Teachers then evaluated how supported they felt during the first three years of their teaching.  This is generally a time when mentorship, if available, is provided.  It is also the time that licensed teachers are in a probationary period in many states, and when continuing training and development is required to ensure that teachers have the skills determined key by different states or districts.

Teachers also shared which of these factors they valued most in their teaching.

 In analyzing this data, we decided to compare pre-service preparation and support in the first three years to what was valued most.  The results were striking.  There is an inverse relationship between what we value in education, and what we feel we are prepared for.

In an effort to determine the best methods for educating teachers after the first three years of teaching, teachers were asked where they learned the most about each of these areas.  Experience was selected as the foremost learning tool for all areas overwhelmingly.  The results seem to support the idea that self-initiated training (professional reading, workshops and conferences) and experience are the primary ways that these relationship building skills are learned.

 Questions that arose from this analysis are those surrounding the causes for our values and experiences.  It is possible that we are not well prepared for relationship building despite how we value it.  It is also possible that we grow to value those things we learn on our own over those things we are directly instructed on.

What do you see?

How do I help my 2 year old adjust to school?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am a working lady. My daughter is 2years and 4 months old, she is able to speak fluently in her mother tongue, and understands English as well. In my absence she is taken care by my Mother in law.
She got admitted to pre-kindergarten or nursery on 13th June. She goes to school in school van, her school timings are 8.30 am to 11.30 am, 5days a week. It’s been more than 2 weeks, but still cries a lot and reluctant to go school everyday. She wakes up in the morning and starts telling/crying “don’t want to go school” till she sits in school van.
I try to make her understand that school is a lovely place by telling many stories every night before getting sleep, but the next day morning it’s the same.
Even on off days i.e. Saturdays and Sundays, even after we tell her that. Saturdays and Sundays are holidays, making her ready as part of daily routine or plan to take out somewhere, she thinks that we might send her school, she is fearful and whole day very often she tells I don’t want to go school.
I spoke to her teacher; she says she is okay at school. She blames me that I am over anxious and over protective, that’s why my child is behaving so. But I don’t really admit.
Each day is getting a challenge for me. Please help me out to make my child comfortable to school.
-Concerned Mother

There are many reasons why children express fear about going to school.

The biggest worry is always that there is something happening at school which frightens her. An insensitive or neglectful teacher, a bully, even someone trying to do her harm. I can tell you that while this is every mother's greatest fear, it is very rarely the cause of a child's distress.

Chances are that the teacher is not blaming you as much as she is trying to reassure you of this fact.

Your daughter is probably safe and just fine in school as the teacher told you, but her fear and distress are also very real and should not be ignored.

By the age of 2, children are usually trying to figure out how to get what they want. Sometimes children your daughter's age become demanding, or throw tantrums, or tell people "no!" as they try to discover how to get their needs met. Your daughter may be expressing fear and trying to gain control of an uncomfortable situation.

While your daughter understands English, she may not be comfortable to express herself to people who do not speak her mother tongue. This could mean that the three hours she is in school feel very isolating to her. If she is not hearing the language that is most comfortable to her ears, those three hours can seem very long and distant.

She has also had the undivided attention of an adult up until now, and suddenly to have to share the only adult with other children in a class can be very hard for some children.

She may be experimenting with making you feel guilty, and trying to see if she can have her will. Or playing out behaviors she thinks are expected. Believe it or not, sometimes children think that they are expressing how much they love you when they cry about going to school, and that you might be disappointed if you thought they didn't miss you.

Sometimes children become distressed because they don't like letting a younger sibling have a parent's attention while they are not around.

There are some things you can do to help her with her worry about going to school.
What you are already doing - telling her stories to comfort her - is excellent, and you will need to be consistent and keep telling her about what a lovely place school is, and not let her see your concern.

Instead of talking about Saturdays and Sundays as holidays from school, try and talk about what sad days they are because she does not GET to go to school. If you are reassuring her in a way that makes her think school is something she has to tolerate, she may continue to resist it.
Stay positive and happy and excited when you talk about school.

When you see her at the end of the day, be excited to hear about the wonderful things she did.

Focus on how happy you are to hear about school and not on her distress.

You can also help her to choose something of yours (a necklace or bracelet that she can wear perhaps, or a photo of her loved ones) to bring with her to school. Something to hold onto when she misses you.

There is a book called "the Kissing Hand" by Audrey Penn that can be helpful if your daughter is having trouble separating.

Find another family in the school to befriend and schedule play dates with.

Ask the teacher if you can donate a favorite toy of your child's to the classroom for her to look forward to playing with. 

Give her crayons and let her express her worries on paper.

One final thought - while it seems like it's been forever, two weeks is not impossibly long, and she may yet make this adjustment on her own, don't give up!

I wish you both the best of luck.

How do I get my daughter to speak in school?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter _______ will not talk in her preschool class.  She can, and does talk at home, but her teacher has never heard her voice.  It's not just shyness, she is a "selective mute" at school and doesn't speak from the moment we arrive in the parking lot in the morning till we are out of sight of the building headed home.  Do you have any thoughts that could help us?
Mom of a 4 year old

Selective mutism is a form of social anxiety.  Your daughter isn't choosing not to speak at school, she is scared of speaking at school.  

There are resources available on-line that can help you understand the diagnosis, but the important thing is that you not get lost in the diagnosis and how you feel about what is happening with her.  

She needs a combination of support for taking risks in small successive steps, and understanding about how she is feeling. The teacher needs to work with you to encourage her without pressuring her, and to support her efforts without enabling her.  

It is a challenge, but it is something that should be addressed with understanding so that it does not become exaggerated over time. 

Try bringing home one of the children from school for a play date. If your daughter can speak to that child in your home where she feels safe, perhaps she can extend it to talking to that child in the classroom. Adding one friend at a time could help alleviate the stress.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 2)

Ms. Dorothy,
My principal is concerned about my classroom management.  I am not a brand new teacher, but this is my first year in kindergarten.  All the tools in my bag of tricks seem to fall flat with these little guys.  The hardest thing is getting through transitions, but I guess I'm struggling with getting their attention at other times too.  I have a bell I ring, and I clap a rhythm, but they just aren't working well. I am sending home notes about behaviors daily and I'm not happy to have all this attention from the principal for what I'm not doing well.  Maybe you have some ideas I can try?
- 6th year teacher

It is always hard to be asked to examine your practice, especially when you aren't aware that you are having a problem with something, but the reflection and new learning you are doing will be worth the work, both for you and for those kindees.

In the world of coaching, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "deficit focused development" and it seldom works the way people who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If your principal turns his/her attention to what you are doing successfully, and provides you with models of teachers who are not struggling with transitions, you are more likely to notice the great "tools" other teachers are using on your own, and adapt them to your classroom.

Take some time to reflect on what you do well, visit other teachers, and build on strengths.

The important thing to remember is that transitions require routines, and routines have to be learned, and kindergarten children need a lot of practice and a lot of encouragement to master new routines. 


Breaking your transition, or attention getting routine, down into the smallest possible parts, and instructing, and taking time to practice each of those steps, will yield the best results. There are some great resources for teaching routines available, just remember that kindergarten children need plenty of time dedicated to learning routines. 

For those children who are not cooperating, the best thing you can do for them is exactly what would work best for you.

In the world of kindergarten, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "behavior management" and it seldom works the way teachers who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If you turn your attention to what the students are doing well and are successful at, and you provide them with models of what it looks like to be doing it correctly, they are likely to mimic the correct behavior to earn your praise.  They want to please you more than you can imagine, and that is the best tool in your bag of tricks by far!

I have some previous posts here, here, and here that talk about ways to encourage young children to "behave" in class.  When in doubt, try talking to them about the problem and asking them to help brainstorm ways to work together better. You can always go to their greatest strengths and build on them.

The important thing to remember is that WHEN a consequence is necessary, when a situation deliberately endangers someone's physical or mental well-being, the response should be immediate and directly connected to the situation. A threat, or a punishment at another time, or that seems unconnected to the "crime" will not be effective and will frustrate you both.  

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 1)

Ms Dorothy,

My son started Kindergarten in September.  His teacher gives "smiley" faces when the student had a good day and "frowney" faces when the student has misbehaved.  ______comes home almost every day with a "frowney" face.  I spoke to his teacher and she says he is not cooperating.  He speaks out of turn and is having trouble staying in his seat.  I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and punished him for his outbursts.  I have a two and a half year old daughter and a newborn son - I'm at my wits end!  Help!

- Mom of 3

Managing a class of 20 to 30 energetic 5 year olds is a unique challenge.  It is as unlike handling preschoolers, as it is first graders.  Kindergarten, in many places, is a half day of trying to help get children ready for the next 12 or 16 years of school.  

Many teachers struggle with negotiating the challenges of a classroom full of people who may never have had to share an adult with more than one or two siblings before.  Suddenly to find that you have 25 children, all of whom are accustomed to getting almost immediate attention when they want it, can be a nightmare.

There are a lot of "systems" out there to help teachers share responsibility with parents for "training" children to wait their turn, cooperate, or "behave."  Smiley faces, cards colored for warnings, three strike rules, names on boards, numbered charts, stamps on hands - all of these are ways to coerce cooperation from children, and all of them hold the threat of reporting home as a consequence.  Ironically, this happens in classrooms where "tattling" is taboo.

The truth is, that kindergarten children have already lived long enough to figure out that getting one of their most basic needs met, that of belonging, can happen one of two ways.  What they desire most is the approval of adults around them, but barring that, getting attention for doing things wrong, will do. 

They have managed for 5 years to learn most of what they know, not from being told, but from being praised for approximations.  We encourage our children in crawling, walking, babbling, talking, riding a trike, etc., all through positive responses to their attempts.  

Suddenly, at age 5, we ask them to share the praise with twenty or more others.  We expect them to learn by listening and watching, and much less doing than they are accustomed to, and to get it right immediately upon being taught.  

Kindergarten children are clever enough to settle, some of them quite quickly, for the attention that negative behavior brings.  Getting singled out is, getting singled out, after all.  The worst part of this is that your child will develop a pattern of behavior, and a reputation, that will travel with him throughout his school career if it isn't changed now.

Much more effective management happens when teachers expend the bulk of their energy finding the things their students are doing right, and praising them for it.  Remarking about how one student is sitting patiently, while ignoring the one who is calling out, will instantly get several other children to sit patiently.  It may not convince the "blurter" right away, but ignore that behavior a few times, and it will begin to change. 

If your child's teacher is sending home reports, stamping his hand, giving out frowney faces, or the like, ignore it.  Completely.  

When he comes home, ask him what he was most proud of.  Talk about that.  And praise him for it.  Turn his attention to what he is doing well.

And if you doubt that ignoring the teacher's frowny faces is the right thing to do, ask yourself what she would do if you sent a note in with him explaining that he hadn't eaten all his broccoli at dinner time.  

How can I stop a class clown from cutting up?

Ms. Dorothy,

How do I curb my 5 year old's tendency to be the class clown without crushing his spirit?  Any suggestions?

- Mom of a Kindergarten boy

If your son is any good at being a cut-up in school, he probably has some real leadership skills waiting to be refined.  The last thing anyone should be doing is crushing that spirit.

If he is charming and the teacher can't resist him, and thinks of him as clever and funny, he has the potential to be a charismatic leader.  If the teacher gets frustrated and annoyed with him, he has the potential to be a dynamic and challenging leader.  

The world needs more of both.  

Your son needs direction and guidance about how to direct this powerful energy.  He needs to know that he is a great and natural leader, and that others listen to him, laugh with him, and are drawn to him because he is rare and remarkable.  And he needs to know that "with great power comes great responsibility."  

He needs to know that he can, and should, use his power for good.

Talk to his teacher about finding appropriate outlets for him to lead the class where he can have real control.  

Get the class singing a chant, and let him orchestrate; directing one section to get louder and another to get quieter, directing the group when to stop.  Let him create a new rule for a song or game that the class already knows, and let him explain his new (probably silly) rule and lead the class in playing his way.  Have him make up new words to add to the end of a chant the class already knows.  

Ask his teacher to give him opportunities to make the class laugh when it isn't a disruption. Knowing that he will have the chance to exert that kind of control once in a while will be a powerful carrot for the other times when the teacher needs to be in charge.

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How can I stop this color card behavior management?

Ms. Dorothy,
We have had it with the red, yellow, green, purple behavior chart that this kindergarten teacher uses. Tomorrow is the last day prior to break and we are trying to figure a way to support _____, and support the teacher. Do you have any suggestions of ways a kindergarten teacher that is used to summative color behavioral grading can adapt or try something different?
-Concerned Dad

Nobody's day should be about their behavior. It would be far better if the focus were on the effort given toward learning, or the quality of work produced; and to offer the teacher some other ways to manage the classroom.

What if you were to suggest that the teacher start handing out tickets? If she catches a child demonstrating a behavior she wants to see more of, she hands them a "ticket." (Anything can work- I've seen them printed up with school behavior goals on them, but I've also seen just sticky notes used.) The children get to collect the tickets count them up, and work toward a goal.

When this is done well, the class can work to make sure that everyone goes home with at least one ticket at the end of the day - that could get the students noticing each others' positive behaviors, and then they can earn a ticket for being a good citizen and pointing out what someone else has accomplished.

Eventually it becomes self-sustaining where the children award one another tickets and count them up at the end of the day - till it starts to lose their interest and is forgotten. At this point, hopefully, the behaviors the teacher is hoping to encourage have become a part of how the students monitor themselves.

Ultimately, the goal should be intrinsic motivation and flow, not extrinsic rewards and fear of consequences for the best learning environment.

How do I explain Middle School homework?

Ms. Dorothy -

Although my child is a very intelligent individual, he commonly comes home confused. My son tells me that he will ask a question and the teacher answers the question very vaguely or only gives one explanation or example. How do I help him understand how to complete his homework?

- Middle School Mom

Your son is very smart indeed to know that what he needs in order to understand an assignment is additional explanations and examples. Knowing himself as a learner will be so helpful to him throughout his education!

One of the hardest things about transitioning from an elementary school into a middle or high school is getting used to having multiple teachers to work with. It can be hard for those teachers to get to know all their students as readily as elementary teachers do.

It may be challenging for this teacher to know exactly what it is he needs, or to understand what he is asking for in the middle of class. Perhaps scheduling a quick meeting with her is his best course of action. If he can explain his needs to her at a separate time, he may be able to get the kind of answer that will help him in the future.

In the meantime, have him give me a call, and we'll figure this assignment out together.

How do I stop a teacher from yelling?

Ms. Dorothy -
I run an afterschool program and have an assistant who will be doing her student teaching in January. She has several years of experience in working with kids, but not with me.
The problem is that she yells at kids and 'gets in their face'. When I talk to her about it, she seems to understand, but continues to do it when the kids are not listening and when she thinks I'm not around. I have shared my philosophy about mutual respect supported by firm boundaries, but she doesn't seem to be listening.
Any great Ms. Dorothy insight?
- After School Teacher

One of the hardest things to learn, without living to a ripe old age, is how fragile life is.

There are two great sayings that get passed around. I don't agree with either, and I've modified both.

First is the Golden Rule. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." This one presupposes that how I feel, and what I want, is right for everyone. It neglects the cultural and personal preferences of "other" and it allows us to keep "self" at the center of all interactions

So, my Platinum Rule is "Do unto others as they would have done unto them." Check in first. Ask if a hug is welcome before hugging.

Ask the students to help devise a way to get their attention and remind them to tune in when they are not listening.

The second is "Live every day as if it is your last." This one invites you to give freely without concern about holding back something for later. And yet, it is still centered on the self.

Being a teacher isn't about the self. It's about the other.

So, I prefer "Live every day as if you will live forever, and no one else will." Be more kind than you think is called for. Give away more than you think you can. Be gentle and remember, there are no guarantees that this won't be the LAST thing they hear.

If we stop and take the perspective of the child to heart, we will "first do no harm." (That's one I wouldn't modify.)

Help her to see her interactions with the children differently & perhaps her approach will change.

How can I find out about Rubber Rooms?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am writing my thesis on the psychological impacts of reassignment centers on teachers and administrators who are sent to them. I am at a standstill with my research because this topic is so hush-hush. I haven't found any empirical data on the topic. I also am having trouble finding teachers and administrators to speak to. I know that a lot of people do not want to admit that they did something or were accused of doing something to wind up in the reassignment centers. Do you have any knowledge of what happens in other states when a teacher is accused of misconduct or incompetence?
- Educator & Student

What an interesting angle on New York's reassignment centers. The Psychological impact of spending time in a barren room ticking off time while waiting a court date must be dramatic. I will be curious to read your thesis paper when all is said and done.

To the best of my knowledge (which is very limited on this topic), centers like these have only been used in New York City. By agreement with the union, these centers were all closed in June and are no longer in use.

Now, like most other districts in the US, teachers who are accused of minor offenses are given non-teaching administrative duties. Those accused of more serious offenses are sent home with pay. As a part of the deal, probes and hearings have to be completed within two months.

I'm not aware of any places outside of New York that have experimented with reassignment centers. Perhaps it will be easier for you to find information now that the centers are closed.

Please let me know how everything turns out with your thesis!

How do I get my child's teacher to do what she is supposed to?

Ms. Dorothy -
______'s teacher is required to use a microphone to compensate for _____'s hearing loss. Either the teacher won’t use it because she doesn't feel like it, she uses it but without the volume even on, or she claims for weeks that it is broken. Then she scolds ______ for not listening when ______ can't even HEAR her. How do I get this teacher to comply with my child's IEP and not make life hell for him?
- Mom of a Hearing Impaired Student

I am so sorry that your son is going through such a rough year in school! He is lucky to have you on his team because this can be corrected.

First of all, when you attend a Special Education staffing meeting, they are required to provide you with your parental legal rights. Refer to this often, and never be afraid to use your rights to support your son! You are his best advocate and the first line of defense against a system not designed for the exceptions among us.

Have your son approach the teacher to tell her that he can't hear her. They could set up a signal between them so that he doesn't have to disrupt the class. This way he can indicate that he is not able to hear what she is saying well enough to understand her any time it happens.

If this is hard for him, make an appointment to meet with her and be there to help him talk about his struggle. Make a plan for him to keep a journal of every time he needs more volume and track that he signaled for it and if he got it.

If you don't see progress in this area quickly enough, if the microphone is not repaired, or if the teacher is not comfortable with the volume level he needs, request another meeting and ask for a representative from the Special Ed team to be present. Use the journal to document that you made an effort to correct the situation, but that he is still having trouble. Let the Special Ed team intervene on his behalf to ensure that his needs are being met.

Fight for his rights when you suspect they are not being addressed.

How can I assess student learning?

Ms. Dorothy-
I have three students that I work with. They are home-schooled and are in 7th and 8th grade. They are taking the work seriously, and do a great job meeting all the criteria of the assignments. I'm just not sure that the information we cover is really being learned, or if they have just gotten really good at taking tests. Is there a difference? I need some way to grade them for what we do that is fair, and I want to be sure I'm measuring what I think I'm measuring. What do you think?
- Middle School Teacher


Finding out how much of what you've taught is really owned by the students is so different from counting how many questions were answered correctly on a test!


I think that completing an assignment well has to be about more than having accurate spelling and grammar, or even a well structured argument. To me, producing something for a teacher is about pleasing one person, and usually the person who has already directed you in how they wish to be pleased.


Justification is a powerful critical thinking skill that changes assignments from something you have to do to something you have to stand behind. I don't think it is possible to present your knowledge of a topic to an expert on that topic unless you have truly gained some mastery of the content.


If a student writes a paper about the plight of the black-footed ferret I would expect that student to present this paper to people who are interested in black-footed ferrets, and be convincing to someone to whom ferrets matter.


When it is done right, the authentic audience evaluates your success or failure in achieving your curricular goals.

How do I help a student who won't do ANYTHING?!

Ms. Dorothy -

I have a little boy who does NOTHING. Like literally does nothing all day long. UNTIL everyone leaves for specials, then he gets everything done in like 7 minutes! So he is very capable of doing the work; he just doesn't. So how do you motivate him? We attempted to bribe him with a toy car (loves cars) and maybe it worked a little, but he still got close to nothing finished! Help!
- Student Teacher

How frustrating that he doesn’t want to engage in the learning! 

Is he possibly gifted? Sometimes a lack of motivation despite the ability to do the work is just a symptom that the student is bored.

I know it's really hard to leap out of the mold completely, but rather than fighting a losing battle with him, could he possibly have a different assignment from the others? Maybe if he had to read and write about a particular car (or something else that interests him), and present his learning to the class, it might engage him. It might even give him a chance to shine.

Of course the danger is that someone else will want to do an independent project...and then more of them... but then again, I don't see that as a problem. :)