What do I do when my child throws a fit?

Ms. Dorothy
I have a 4 year old who has recently become very easily agitated over little things and screams like he is on fire if you try to hold him or calm him down. When he becomes agitated he is inconsolable and has become violent, he throws, hits, scratches and bites. This is not just towards me but his older and younger brothers. I have tried removing him from the situation without giving in, especially if it is over something little like his brothers playing with a toy he wants that was in another room or over food to eat for dinner. I am at a loss for what to do please help!
-Concerned Mother

Angry and frustrated children often feel they have no control. He wants what we all want; to feel that he belongs, and right now he is finding his place through these fits.

He is less interested in the thing he says he wants than he is in your reaction, and if the problem is escalating to actually hurting his siblings, he needs something done right now.

Instead of saying "No," try giving him some choices. You set the limits, so you have the real control in the situation, but he will see that he has some power to make decisions if you let him have choices.  

Offer this cereal or that for breakfast, or a choice between hot and cold cereal.  He has the power to choose, and to choose which fruit goes on his cereal. These are real decisions and involve him in the meal making, and give him a true sense of belonging.

If you ask "what do you want" he will not understand why cake is not a valid choice and will have a fit when you say "No."  

Try being clear about times for things. Rather than saying "No. We are going to eat lunch before we go to the park"  to his request, try "Yes. We will go to the park. And now it is time to eat lunch." The change from focusing on what he can't do right now to what he can do, and when, may help to sort out some of his frustration.

It is important to hold your own temper and give him the attention he craves when the situation is not out of hand. Try to anticipate when he is likely to have a fit and set up an opportunity for different choices before things are out of hand.

There are some great ideas about how to make these changes and keep your cool in the book Positive Discipline.  Check out the website too for some immediate pointers.

When do I remove disruptive students?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am in a co-teaching situation with 4th and 5th grade at-risk students. The other teachers remove the student from the classroom after a couple warnings on behavior and send them to the principle - this is what the school has suggested. In my facilitation, I have never chosen to remove a student from the classroom unless they are putting another person in danger. I prefer to talk it out and explain what the problem is and what they need to do. So what is your insight on removing students from the classroom? 
-Music Teacher

Depending on how it is handled, I believe that removing a student from the immediate activity, or even from the learning space is often the right thing to do.  

If a student is disrupting the learning for others, she can be invited to consider the others, or can be reminded of the needs of the others. If she persists in the behaviors that are causing the problem, despite being ignored, she should be given no more time, attention or consideration. 

While continuing to talk with, teach, direct or work with the rest of the class, this child can be walked to an alternate place in the room where, from outside the circle of learning, she can observe.

This should not require any discussion because the "warning" has already been given. She knows why, and it is insulting to continue to explain, lecture, yell, correct or chastise her.

Just act. 

If she continues to disrupt from outside the group, she should be removed in the same manner to an alternate safe, supervised space. Without comment.  

The other children in the class will look for consistency from you. So rinse and repeat. 

If you end up in the room alone, continue to play, dance, sing and laugh.The next day, start with a clean slate, but stay consistent. Some will not need to test you again. 
  
Belonging is the single greatest need of "at-risk" students. If you are offering something they want, they will work to be a part of it.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 3)

Ms. Dorothy - 
I see you recommending that I praise my students and children to eliminate negative behaviors.  I've been told NOT to praise because it makes the children dependent on your approval.  I wonder if you could talk more about this, or suggest some further reading on the topic?
- Teacher

I am so glad that you asked me to clarify this.  Praise and encouragement are words that have been defined differently by educational experts.  

The goal of removing praise from your practice is not about eliminating encouragement, but about removing your valuation.  

There is a difference between telling your class "I see that  Marcus is sitting, ready to listen and learn."  and telling them "I like the way Marcus is sitting."  

The first is about Marcus and what Marcus is choosing to do.  It reinforces the rules, and offers a model for following the rules.  The second is is about you and what you like about Marcus.  It sets a child up as one that has won your favor, but doesn't make clear what others could do to gain recognition.  

The encouraging way that  you notice when students are demonstrating positive behaviors, and name those behaviors, supports learning.  Everyone wants to hear their name said, and every child loves to be an example of following the rules.  In that sense, it is praise.  

The goal should not be that you never praise children, but that you make what you acknowledge be about their actions, and not about you.  

Here is a chart that distinguishes one as praise and the other as encouragement.  By these definitions, I am a firm believer in encouragement as a tool for helping students develop a sense of agency and an internal locus of control.

To read more on the topic, check out the works of H. Stephen Glenn, Jane Nelsen,  Rudolf Dreikurs,  Peter H. Johnston,  and Alfie Kohn.