How do I get my children to share?

Ms. Dorothy,

What is your take on "sharing" both between sibling and in the classroom? I know that in the Montessori preschool a child has their work, and they can choose whether or not another is allowed to join them. Do you feel it is essential to teach your children to share when they have received a gift?
- New Teacher & Getting Married Soon

Keeping children from grabbing and fighting over things in a classroom is much easier when there are ground-rules like in the Montessori classroom. If it is well established that every child has the right to play with the materials they have chosen until they are through, there is no room for disagreement.

If you want your children to learn to share, the most important thing you can do is make sure they see you model it. Telling children to share, and actively demonstrating what it is to be generous and thoughtful are very different. One results in internalized learning, the other doesn't.

When you receive a gift, invite them to help you open it, invite them to try it out. Don't worry about how long they have it or what they do with it. Thank them for giving it back to you when they do.

Remember that the less they have, the harder it is for them to trust their things in the hands of others. And the more they have seen at home that contradicts what you show them, the harder your task will be.

When you see them emulate your behavior, acknowledge their generosity and praise them for sharing, every time. For some, it will stick and grow.

How can I get more parents to volunteer?

Ms. Dorothy,

My kindergartener has had several parties since school started. The classroom mom sends out an email each time asking parents to either contribute snacks, crafts, games or a small monetary donation. Every single time it's the same 4 moms that help. One mom even ended up spending $100 (TRUE STORY!) to make sure that there were enough games and activities for whole class. It seems so unfair that out of 30 students, 4 moms are shouldering all of the responsibility. How can we encourage more parents to step-up?

- Exhausted Momma

It is generally true that 10% of the people do 90% of the work, so this isn't unusual. Because you are parents of kindergarten children, you may just be seeing this for the first time. It won't be the last time you find yourself shouldering more than your fair share. You are one of the 10%. Thank you for that, and for all you do.

The problem here is not that the other parents won't step up, the problem is that the teacher is misusing the support that is available. Rather than throwing parties and having parents providing games and crafts and food, the teacher should be using these willing volunteers to read with students, organize parent education nights, and share their talents, passions and careers with the children.

Perhaps the solution is to get those 4 parents together and have them suggest an alternative to the next party. What a powerful learning tool it would it be to have these parents find and plan a service project for the class. They could teach their children the value of volunteering, and maybe change that 10% statistic in the future.

How can I make a change in public education right now?

Ms. Dorothy,
What can I do right now to change what is wrong with education for my students? I'm a relatively new teacher and I just want to feel like I'm doing something to make it better. Everyone complains, but no one will tell me what specifically I can do tomorrow that will matter. I know there are a million things that need to change, and I can't fix all of that, but there must be something I can do that would make it better. Right?
- 1st year Teacher

What a great way to look at making lesson plans for tomorrow! Of course there are things we can all do to make education work for students, and maybe your idea of one thing, right now, is the best way to go about it.

If I were to name one thing that you can do to improve education, I would say that you should have a passion outside of school. There should be something in your life that is exciting and inspiring to you, something that you enjoy doing, something that you look forward to spending time on, that isn't school.

That may seem really hard right now, you are just starting teaching, and it probably consumes far too much of your personal time- and that is reason enough to start working on your passion now. Not because you need something else to do, but because you need to bring something that isn't in a text book or curriculum map to your students.

Learn to play an instrument. Join a rock band. Audition for a community theater play. Crochet blankets for a shelter. Volunteer to sit on the board of a non-profit organization. Open a community garden. Start a blog reviewing movies or books. Photograph light poles or road signs. Take an art class. Study martial arts. Dance, mime, juggle, tell jokes, do yoga, learn to speak Klingon, or Elvish....

Your passion for something will open a world to them and invite the possibility that they too can explore. It will fuel your writing to have something in your life that excites you, and they will see that. It will fill you with drive and heal you when things are tough in school, and they will see how you are invigorated and refreshed by what you do. It will give you a different frame of reference and a new bank of metaphors, and they will see how what you teach applies outside of school.

It will make you a better teacher, and it will inspire other teachers, and that will make the whole system grow.

I'm certain that there will be many, many ways that you will make a difference in the lives of the students you teach. Remembering to work on the relationship you have with each individual child will always matter more than any other preparation you do.

When they know that you are there for them, and not just for the content you teach, all the rest becomes easier. And when they know that you care enough about yourself to feed your own passions, they will value your relationship that much more.

How do I get my boys to READ?

Ms. Dorothy,
When it is time to read, how do I get my boys to sit and read for the amount of time appropriate for their grade? I have sons from grade school to high school, and they all seem to have a hard time focusing on reading. I find they wiggle and make excuses to not sit and read.
- Homeworking Mom

The first most important thing about getting kids to read is helping them to find something that interests them. Remember that reading doesn't have to be about a novel either. Recipes are for reading, manuals, magazines, newspapers and even blogs can be great reading material.

One thing that a lot of busy parents overlook is the fact that children learn to value what they see their parents value. Telling them about how important reading is to you isn't quite enough. They need to see the adults in their life read, and your boys need to see that the men in their life make time to read.

So often we save reading as a treat to enjoy when the business of the day is done, and the kids are off to bed. Making reading a treat to share with your sons in the middle of a weekend day can go a long way toward inspiring them to read. Everyone grab their own reading materials, find yourselves in the same room and read, read, read.

How can I teach my child to be empathetic?

Ms. Dorothy -
I have caught my kindergartner being exclusive on the playground at school. If she doesn’t feel like playing with someone, she’ll just turn her back on them and ignore them, or she’ll flat out run away from them. She has always been well-liked, so she doesn’t understand the hurt she is causing by not including others in her games. How can I teach her to be more empathetic?
- Worried Mom

It is so hard to see our children learning about their social worlds! You are on the right track to want to teach her more empathy rather than just wanting to tell her to "be nice."

Take some time to model your thinking aloud. Name the thoughts that come up, and the feelings attached to them - not to tell her, but just to make the way you experience situations really transparent to her.

That may feel strange and awkward at first, but your daughter will begin to emulate the behavior pretty quickly, and you will have a window into what is going on in her head, too. Then you can talk about those difficult situations where empathy might help.

Children reflect what they see, so the best thing you can do for her is to make sure she sees you being empathetic. Point out when you notice others doing the same. Helping her to identify actions and reactions will make a difference in the way she appreciates what is happening inside of others.