How do I motivate a "lazy" learner?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is one of the most persistent people I've ever met - when he is doing something he wants to do.  Any time we try to teach him something that might be a little hard, he shuts down, gives up, walks away. I want my son to love learning, but it seems like every day is a struggle. Do you have any suggestions on how to motivate active, independent, hands-on, give-up-if-its-too-hard-at-first boys?
-Homeschool Mom

Persistence is the trait you want to build on.  You know that he can stick with something against all odds.  He needs to know that it is persistence that you value, and that he knows how to use.

Talking with him about how the brain learns; how, like a muscle, it becomes stronger with work, will help him to link his "smarts" with his persistence. 

The book Nurture Shock explains current research and is a great resource on the topic of praising brain processes to help children develop.

Setting specific learning outcomes will help too.  When he persisted in learning to walk, it was a long-term goal, somewhat out of his reach - a challenge.  If the small bite daily reading activities don't motivate him, it may be that he doesn't see the big target. 

Try enticing him with a motivating end goal.  Read, for example, the first book of the "Magic Treehouse" series to him, (about a mid-year-2nd grade-level book) and explain that when his brain is strong enough, he will be able to read the rest of the series himself. Then see if those daily activities will be more like small hurdles to get to a bigger prize, a prize that gets closer every time he works hard.

It is understandable that you want to make learning fun for him.  Maybe if he sees the fun in working toward a long-term goal he will learn to love learning - even things he isn't excited about.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 3)

Ms. Dorothy - 
I see you recommending that I praise my students and children to eliminate negative behaviors.  I've been told NOT to praise because it makes the children dependent on your approval.  I wonder if you could talk more about this, or suggest some further reading on the topic?
- Teacher

I am so glad that you asked me to clarify this.  Praise and encouragement are words that have been defined differently by educational experts.  

The goal of removing praise from your practice is not about eliminating encouragement, but about removing your valuation.  

There is a difference between telling your class "I see that  Marcus is sitting, ready to listen and learn."  and telling them "I like the way Marcus is sitting."  

The first is about Marcus and what Marcus is choosing to do.  It reinforces the rules, and offers a model for following the rules.  The second is is about you and what you like about Marcus.  It sets a child up as one that has won your favor, but doesn't make clear what others could do to gain recognition.  

The encouraging way that  you notice when students are demonstrating positive behaviors, and name those behaviors, supports learning.  Everyone wants to hear their name said, and every child loves to be an example of following the rules.  In that sense, it is praise.  

The goal should not be that you never praise children, but that you make what you acknowledge be about their actions, and not about you.  

Here is a chart that distinguishes one as praise and the other as encouragement.  By these definitions, I am a firm believer in encouragement as a tool for helping students develop a sense of agency and an internal locus of control.

To read more on the topic, check out the works of H. Stephen Glenn, Jane Nelsen,  Rudolf Dreikurs,  Peter H. Johnston,  and Alfie Kohn.  

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 1)

Ms Dorothy,

My son started Kindergarten in September.  His teacher gives "smiley" faces when the student had a good day and "frowney" faces when the student has misbehaved.  ______comes home almost every day with a "frowney" face.  I spoke to his teacher and she says he is not cooperating.  He speaks out of turn and is having trouble staying in his seat.  I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face and punished him for his outbursts.  I have a two and a half year old daughter and a newborn son - I'm at my wits end!  Help!

- Mom of 3

Managing a class of 20 to 30 energetic 5 year olds is a unique challenge.  It is as unlike handling preschoolers, as it is first graders.  Kindergarten, in many places, is a half day of trying to help get children ready for the next 12 or 16 years of school.  

Many teachers struggle with negotiating the challenges of a classroom full of people who may never have had to share an adult with more than one or two siblings before.  Suddenly to find that you have 25 children, all of whom are accustomed to getting almost immediate attention when they want it, can be a nightmare.

There are a lot of "systems" out there to help teachers share responsibility with parents for "training" children to wait their turn, cooperate, or "behave."  Smiley faces, cards colored for warnings, three strike rules, names on boards, numbered charts, stamps on hands - all of these are ways to coerce cooperation from children, and all of them hold the threat of reporting home as a consequence.  Ironically, this happens in classrooms where "tattling" is taboo.

The truth is, that kindergarten children have already lived long enough to figure out that getting one of their most basic needs met, that of belonging, can happen one of two ways.  What they desire most is the approval of adults around them, but barring that, getting attention for doing things wrong, will do. 

They have managed for 5 years to learn most of what they know, not from being told, but from being praised for approximations.  We encourage our children in crawling, walking, babbling, talking, riding a trike, etc., all through positive responses to their attempts.  

Suddenly, at age 5, we ask them to share the praise with twenty or more others.  We expect them to learn by listening and watching, and much less doing than they are accustomed to, and to get it right immediately upon being taught.  

Kindergarten children are clever enough to settle, some of them quite quickly, for the attention that negative behavior brings.  Getting singled out is, getting singled out, after all.  The worst part of this is that your child will develop a pattern of behavior, and a reputation, that will travel with him throughout his school career if it isn't changed now.

Much more effective management happens when teachers expend the bulk of their energy finding the things their students are doing right, and praising them for it.  Remarking about how one student is sitting patiently, while ignoring the one who is calling out, will instantly get several other children to sit patiently.  It may not convince the "blurter" right away, but ignore that behavior a few times, and it will begin to change. 

If your child's teacher is sending home reports, stamping his hand, giving out frowney faces, or the like, ignore it.  Completely.  

When he comes home, ask him what he was most proud of.  Talk about that.  And praise him for it.  Turn his attention to what he is doing well.

And if you doubt that ignoring the teacher's frowny faces is the right thing to do, ask yourself what she would do if you sent a note in with him explaining that he hadn't eaten all his broccoli at dinner time.  

How do I teach my students to try harder?

Ms. Dorothy,
How do you deal with children who don't do their best? What do you do to instill the value of hard work in your students? I never expected to have first graders in my class who aren't there to learn! I was never like that!
- First year Teacher

Some students (like you!) are fortunate enough to learn, early on, that their success in school is directly connected to their effort.  Others, however, need to be taught this concept.  

Some students believe that the children who do well in school are "just smarter."  Some actually believe that there is some kind of luck about doing well in school - these are often the same students who blame their teachers for their poor grades.

All children need to know that Trying Their Best is what makes them smarter and more successful.  

If your students aren't giving their best efforts, stop for a moment and teach them the connection.  Notice aloud those students who are doing well at something, and recognize how hard they are working at it.  Remind them all that they too can have remarkable work, if they try their best.

They can all learn that learning isn't magic, luck, or the domain of only a few.

How can I stop a class clown from cutting up?

Ms. Dorothy,

How do I curb my 5 year old's tendency to be the class clown without crushing his spirit?  Any suggestions?

- Mom of a Kindergarten boy

If your son is any good at being a cut-up in school, he probably has some real leadership skills waiting to be refined.  The last thing anyone should be doing is crushing that spirit.

If he is charming and the teacher can't resist him, and thinks of him as clever and funny, he has the potential to be a charismatic leader.  If the teacher gets frustrated and annoyed with him, he has the potential to be a dynamic and challenging leader.  

The world needs more of both.  

Your son needs direction and guidance about how to direct this powerful energy.  He needs to know that he is a great and natural leader, and that others listen to him, laugh with him, and are drawn to him because he is rare and remarkable.  And he needs to know that "with great power comes great responsibility."  

He needs to know that he can, and should, use his power for good.

Talk to his teacher about finding appropriate outlets for him to lead the class where he can have real control.  

Get the class singing a chant, and let him orchestrate; directing one section to get louder and another to get quieter, directing the group when to stop.  Let him create a new rule for a song or game that the class already knows, and let him explain his new (probably silly) rule and lead the class in playing his way.  Have him make up new words to add to the end of a chant the class already knows.  

Ask his teacher to give him opportunities to make the class laugh when it isn't a disruption. Knowing that he will have the chance to exert that kind of control once in a while will be a powerful carrot for the other times when the teacher needs to be in charge.

How do I know how much homework to give?

Ms. Dorothy,
As a parent, I've often felt that a teacher gave too much, or not enough homework for my child.  Tomorrow I step into the lead teacher position in a classroom, and I find myself wondering how to strike that balance for the 27 children in my 1st grade class.  Any suggestions?
-New Teacher

Congratulations on taking the lead teacher position!  How exciting for you and for those 1st graders!  

Finding the right balance of homework is always a challenge because our tendency, as teachers, is to be "fair" and give everyone the same homework assignments.  

Homework should be about practicing what is learned in school.  It is rare when a majority of the  class is ready to independently practice the same thing at the same time, so having the same homework assignment for all of them doesn't always make sense.  

Consider the time that will be spent on each task, and the amount of support that each child will need to complete the work.  Whenever possible, make options to extend or simplify the assignment so that it can be catered to specific needs of different children.

Keep in mind the 10 minute rule of thumb for elementary students and think about giving homework that is open-ended and involves some choice.  That way students who are inspired by the topic can get carried away, and students that are able to turn it into something they are excited about can do that too.

Encourage creativity and applaud inventiveness in the way homework is completed, and your students will make projects of their practice.

How do I know when to leave my kids alone?

Ms. Dorothy,
At what age should I let my children start walking home from school alone? And along these same lines, at what age are most children old enough to be home, unsupervised?
- Mom of five

As long as you are making this decision based on your child's readiness (not your convenience), you should be able to ask them when they feel ready.

Start small; give them a way to contact you (and a back-up plan), a friend to walk with, and try it in stages.

Every child is different, as is every neighborhood and every family's comfort level. Don't do anything you, or they, are not comfortable with.

Some schools have policies about how old a child has to be to walk home with friends or siblings, and some cities have regulations about leaving a child home alone. Check with yours, and then do what feels right.

How can I get this child to stop whining?

Ms. Dorothy,
_______ can speak in broken sentences, but often when he wants something he whines and does not use his words. His mom and dad and I don't all agree on how to handle the whining. He often winds up in a full tantrum to get what he wants. What steps can we take to strengthen his verbalization and curb the whining?
- Day Care Provider

The first step you will need to take, is to sit down with the parents and get some agreement about what you are going to do to help him grow. Consistency is essential if you are trying to encourage one behavior and discourage another.

This child needs to know that his needs will be met. If he believes that the world is a safe and consistent place, he is more likely to relax and trust that a problem isn't forever, and that there is something he can do to get his problems solved.

The adults in his life also need to understand that he will speak to communicate one day, but not necessarily on their time-tables. And that is okay.

Talk to him more. Talk about what you are doing as you go about your day. Remain calm and clear in your conversations with him so that he sees a good example.

If the adults relax and work together, the reduction in stress alone may translate into more talking and less whining.

How do I support beginning reading?

Ms. Dorothy,
My daughter is beginning to read phonetically. Her pre-school has her practicing blending letter sounds to "sound out words" but she doesn't know any sight words yet. Should I be using flash cards at home to help her learn some sight words? Is there a better way to teach her to read without being completely dependent on sounding it out? Or should I just leave it alone for now and let her learn in Kindergarten?
- Mom of a 4 year old.

If your daughter is beginning to read and enjoying it, there is no reason not to support her.

Find out from her preschool teacher what next steps they are planning to follow to help her grow as a reader, and (unless you completely disagree with their approach) align what you are doing at home to what she is learning in school.

More than likely she will begin to encounter simple sight words in the books she is already "sounding out" which will be a natural opening. Then you can practice finding those same sight words in other places - magazines you are reading, recipes while you are cooking together, bedtime stories you are reading to her.

Sometimes, when you are reading beginner books with her, you will need to supply the words she doesn't know, but encouraging her to check the pictures, or what seems to make sense to decide what the next word might be are great ways to build vocabulary. Then her reading will be more than sounding out words and sight words because she will begin to recognize words in context.

As long as you are giving her an enjoyable experience that involves time with you and books, she will learn to love reading. Then all those different approaches to figuring out what a book says will become more natural to her.

How do I help my children get ready for college?

Ms Dorothy,

What are some good resources for getting your kid financially ready for college, if you know you won‘t be able to afford tuition, like scholarships, financial aid, work-study programs? My parents never went to college so they had no IDEA how to help prepare us kids. My brother and sister ended up dropping out and I’m just now finishing after starting 13 years ago! I want my kids to go, and I want to know NOW what to do to help.

- Mom of three

This is a great time to start thinking about college and what you will need to know. Start educating yourself now, and you will be ready to help your children when the time comes.

One thing you need to know is that the landscape keeps changing when it comes to federal grants and loans, and even when it comes to what colleges are expecting. There are some great resources out there that can help you stay abreast of changes. Look at this Education Weekly blog for some current info about the issues that impact getting access to colleges.

Keeping your children focused on that goal is important, and it isn't too early to start. The more they are engaged in the things they are passionate about, even as they change over the years, the more interesting they will be to the colleges and scholarships they apply for.

Because you are in college yourself, your children are getting to see how you value education, and are learning about what it takes to be a college student first hand.

Letting them know that you expect them to be in school through college may be the biggest difference between how you raise your children and how your parents raised you.

How do I get my children to share?

Ms. Dorothy,

What is your take on "sharing" both between sibling and in the classroom? I know that in the Montessori preschool a child has their work, and they can choose whether or not another is allowed to join them. Do you feel it is essential to teach your children to share when they have received a gift?
- New Teacher & Getting Married Soon

Keeping children from grabbing and fighting over things in a classroom is much easier when there are ground-rules like in the Montessori classroom. If it is well established that every child has the right to play with the materials they have chosen until they are through, there is no room for disagreement.

If you want your children to learn to share, the most important thing you can do is make sure they see you model it. Telling children to share, and actively demonstrating what it is to be generous and thoughtful are very different. One results in internalized learning, the other doesn't.

When you receive a gift, invite them to help you open it, invite them to try it out. Don't worry about how long they have it or what they do with it. Thank them for giving it back to you when they do.

Remember that the less they have, the harder it is for them to trust their things in the hands of others. And the more they have seen at home that contradicts what you show them, the harder your task will be.

When you see them emulate your behavior, acknowledge their generosity and praise them for sharing, every time. For some, it will stick and grow.

How can I stop this color card behavior management?

Ms. Dorothy,
We have had it with the red, yellow, green, purple behavior chart that this kindergarten teacher uses. Tomorrow is the last day prior to break and we are trying to figure a way to support _____, and support the teacher. Do you have any suggestions of ways a kindergarten teacher that is used to summative color behavioral grading can adapt or try something different?
-Concerned Dad

Nobody's day should be about their behavior. It would be far better if the focus were on the effort given toward learning, or the quality of work produced; and to offer the teacher some other ways to manage the classroom.

What if you were to suggest that the teacher start handing out tickets? If she catches a child demonstrating a behavior she wants to see more of, she hands them a "ticket." (Anything can work- I've seen them printed up with school behavior goals on them, but I've also seen just sticky notes used.) The children get to collect the tickets count them up, and work toward a goal.

When this is done well, the class can work to make sure that everyone goes home with at least one ticket at the end of the day - that could get the students noticing each others' positive behaviors, and then they can earn a ticket for being a good citizen and pointing out what someone else has accomplished.

Eventually it becomes self-sustaining where the children award one another tickets and count them up at the end of the day - till it starts to lose their interest and is forgotten. At this point, hopefully, the behaviors the teacher is hoping to encourage have become a part of how the students monitor themselves.

Ultimately, the goal should be intrinsic motivation and flow, not extrinsic rewards and fear of consequences for the best learning environment.

How do I get my class to behave?

Ms. Dorothy -
My class is very talkative and uncooperative. Every time I turn around, they are chatting again. I have set up so many different reward scenarios where they earn something for doing something consistently, but they don't want anything badly enough to actually stick with it. What do I do? They like having lunch with me, and they like having extra recess time, but they won't behave enough to earn it. It just seems to be getting worse, and we are losing so much learning time! What can I do to change their behaviors?
-Discouraged 3rd grade Teacher

Your impulse to reward them for positive behavior is a great one, because setting up punishments will only exaggerate the student-vs-teacher feeling that an uncooperative class has.


It sounds like they like you, but perhaps they don't see you as an ally yet. I'm also wondering if there is some important issue or underground dynamic in this group that requires a lot of discussion that you might be missing.


What if you were to give them something they are interested in before they give you the behaviors you want?


Invite the class to have lunch with you. Make it fun and call it a classroom restaurant day. Free them from the cafeteria, sit and chat and socialize with them. See if you can catch on to what it is they are spending so much time talking about. Join the discussion and offer time in class to talk further as a group about what is consuming their attention.


Learning to communicate clearly, to listen to one another, to agree or disagree respectfully, to contribute to a discussion, to weigh opinions and seek compromise are all important skills to learn in 3rd grade. Does it matter if you provide the content for a Socratic seminar or if they do?


This is valuable learning, so don't think of it as "lost" teaching time. Teach the skills of discussion around their issues and provide them a means for bringing topics to the group.


Try using a notebook with some rules about no individual names or put downs. Let them go and write topics for later discussion in the notebook.


Once you establish those positive structures, you can negotiate with them for more time on other content. "If we can focus and finish this math now, we will have more time to set up the room for a restaurant lunch, or for a class issues forum."


Sometimes getting the reward first and expecting the behaviors to follow works to establish in their minds that you want them to have the reward, and it removes the feeling that it is an empty promise.

How can I help my child feel successful despite her differences?

Ms. Dorothy -

My daughter has some physical disabilities that have affected her learning. She’s a bright girl, but it just takes her a little while longer than her peers to catch on to things. Now that she’s getting older, she’s realizing that it takes her longer to take tests and that her grades are not as high as her classmates. How can I let her know that her best is good enough, even though her grades show differently? And on the other hand, I don’t want her to think grades don’t matter, because they do!

- Mom of Special Ed student

First of all, yes, she is amazing just as she is. And yes, it's important that she knows her momma loves her and sees her as perfect.

It is important that you be an advocate for her as well. Having special needs gives you some legal footing for making sure your daughter gets what she needs to be successful in school.  Take advantage of the leverage you have, and make sure she feels as accomplished as her peers do in the eyes of the school.

Something that might help her grow to value her own hard work would be a report card about how she is doing in class.  Not just the academics, but more specifically, an effort grade attached to every subject area or assignment. 

Working with a second set of grades might help her to see herself differently.  With a 1 to 4 effort rubric, she might find more satisfaction with what she accomplishes.  If a 1 means she gave minimal effort, a 2 means there was some effort, a 3 means a grade-level appropriate amount of effort (proficiency benchmark) and a 4 means above average, advanced or exemplary effort, it would be easy for the teacher to grade her for how hard she works.

She has as much right to be proud of her work as an A student who coasts, and getting that kind of a grade from her teacher will mean more to her than hearing it at home because it's "official."  When she gets her report card she can see that, while she may have gotten a C in Math, she got a 4 for effort - which puts her above other students in her grade. 

It is a tactic to help level the playing field, and by asking her support team to write it into her Individual Education Plan, you shouldn't have to negotiate for getting that kind of help from the school year after year.

Keep talking to her about how every person brings gifts to the world, and not all of them are recognized in the same ways.  Getting A's in school might be Mom's thing right now, but certainly Uncles shine in other ways, and so do big sisters.  

How do I meet the needs of 5, 6 and 7 year olds?

Ms. Dorothy -

I am running a music enrichment program with Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade students. I'm experienced in doing this with older students, like middle or high school, and these high energy young ones are uncharted territory for me! Couple of questions for you.. How do I teach and engage to that level? Or what are some key principles to keep in mind for this age? How best do I look at this class and how to hold the space appropriately to allow their knowledge and beats to flourish? How do I keep it fun and engaging for all the ages? Help?!

- Music teacher

High School to Kindergarten is a big leap. No wonder you are feeling unsure of yourself! Those little guys need as many opportunities for expression as they can get, so I know this is going to be a great experience for all of you.

First of all, relax, and don't sell yourself short. You know what you are doing when it comes to the material, and students are students, no matter how tall they are.

Essentially you can't teach a room, or an age, or a grade; all you can teach is the person in front of you. Get to know these students for who they are. They will show you what is important to them within the first few minutes.

I like to think of it as putting the students first and letting the content be a tool. Instead of teaching Music to young children, try teaching young children the whys and hows of Music. There is a difference. It works for any content you want to teach, and any students.

Be prepared to move with them, to be excited with them, to get loud with them, and to enjoy them. They will need some order and routine to help them understand the structure of their time with you, and they will need variety and novelty to stay engaged.

The best thing you can bring them is a challenge, so don't be afraid of using the same language and content you would teach older students. Just break it down with them to things that are familiar and let them share how they connect to it.

Basic principles to keep in mind when working with children: Smile often. Sing instructions. Establish routines. Be genuine. Follow their lead. Respect their individuality. Enjoy their creativity. Inspire them with possibilities. Encourage them with laughter. Believe in them.

And Have fun!