How do I deal with an 8-going-on-15 year old?

Ms. Dorothy,
We are having a big issue with ______ right now.  She is 8, and back-talking, and not doing what she needs to do around the house to help out. Everything has become such a huge battle that ends in yelling and tears.  She acts like she doesn't care at all anymore. I can't take it any longer. There is tension with her right now and I don't want it to continue. I am also a little worried about how she is going to act when she is a teenager! Any suggestions about how I can empower her with responsibility and save my sanity?
- Mother of a Daughter

These may be the first hints of what is to come. How you move forward and handle this now is certainly going to shape your relationship with her through those teen years, so it is important to stop and think and make some careful choices.

Your daughter is deciding some things about who she is, and about power right now, and is watching for your reactions.

Here are the two most important rules; they were true when she was a newborn, and they are still true now, but the stakes have changed. 

1. ) Pick your battles (not everything is worth it! It just isn't, and bigger battles may lie ahead!) 

2.) If you decide to get into a battle - do not lose. (and sometimes that means giving up before the fight - see rule #1) 

One way to approach this would be to sit down and re-negotiate what her responsibilities are, and when and how she gets holidays from them, and what it means to not hold up her end.

Write up a contract, and then don't get angry when she breaks it. Be kind and loving and gentle and understanding and just point out that these were rules she agreed to. 

Make sure she gets to have some say in making the new agreements. It can't be all about you setting the rules and her having to live by them. There has to be some space for you to give up something you want or it isn't a compromise, and she won't feel like she got anything out of the deal. 

The bottom line is that she has no choice and no power and no control - except over her emotional outbursts. Give her something else to have power over and then follow through.

The control you give up by raising the conversation to that level will be worth it in trade for what you will get over the long term.  

How do I get my class to turn in homework?!

Ms. Dorothy,
I have tried taking away recess, holding kids after school, and calling home. I've also tried class bribes, incentives, and individual prizes. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, my kids just don't do homework, or if they do it, they don't turn it in! It is making me crazy, and I am out of ideas. Can you help?
-4th grade teacher

There really is only one right answer to this problem.  Stop giving homework.

If they aren't doing it, or aren't turning it in, it is probably because the work has no meaning for them.  Those who are doing the homework probably don't need the extra practice, but are willing to, or enjoy complying with your expectations.  

I understand the thinking that homework builds discipline, and good habits, and that putting the extra practice in at home will help to solidify learning, but you aren't getting any of those things.  

Take some time and reflect on the amount of time in class, and the amount of energy outside of class, you have put into trying to make your class value the homework you assign. Then consider what else you might have accomplished with that time and energy if homework were off the table. 

If you have school requirements for homework, ask your students to read books, magazines, or websites at home. But stop battling them to prove that they've done it.

Consider what might happen if you give every student a perfect grade for homework for the rest of the year, and then asked them what they'd have to do to live up to that grade.  

How do I get my kids to turn in homework?

Ms. Dorothy,

My boys are having a hard time taking responsibility for their work.  Sometimes they do their homework and then don't turn it in.  I start school myself in the Spring, and I won't be there to hold their hands through this.  How can I get them to be responsible?

- Mom of Middle Schoolers

When homework has no meaning, it is hard to value it.  If the boys feel like they are doing work just for the sake of doing it, it's understandable that they "forget" to turn it in, and even that they don't always do it.

Unfortunately, much of what they are going to have to do over the coming years will be as meaningless to them as the work they are not turning in now.

It is important that they understand how the game is played, and their role in it.  

To be successful in school, they will need to comply with the expectations of teachers.  Not to please the teacher, and not because the teacher is right, but because the boys need what the teachers have to offer.

In order to get where they are going outside of school, the boys need to make the system work for them.  The teachers are an important part of the ticket out of school, and if the boys understand that, it will help them to stop trying to resist and just let it work for them.

Over the next months and years, you will have plenty of opportunities to model good work habits for them.  Remember to talk about the work you do for school, and to let them see you doing it.  They will learn more from your example than from anything you say now.

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 3)

Ms. Dorothy - 
I see you recommending that I praise my students and children to eliminate negative behaviors.  I've been told NOT to praise because it makes the children dependent on your approval.  I wonder if you could talk more about this, or suggest some further reading on the topic?
- Teacher

I am so glad that you asked me to clarify this.  Praise and encouragement are words that have been defined differently by educational experts.  

The goal of removing praise from your practice is not about eliminating encouragement, but about removing your valuation.  

There is a difference between telling your class "I see that  Marcus is sitting, ready to listen and learn."  and telling them "I like the way Marcus is sitting."  

The first is about Marcus and what Marcus is choosing to do.  It reinforces the rules, and offers a model for following the rules.  The second is is about you and what you like about Marcus.  It sets a child up as one that has won your favor, but doesn't make clear what others could do to gain recognition.  

The encouraging way that  you notice when students are demonstrating positive behaviors, and name those behaviors, supports learning.  Everyone wants to hear their name said, and every child loves to be an example of following the rules.  In that sense, it is praise.  

The goal should not be that you never praise children, but that you make what you acknowledge be about their actions, and not about you.  

Here is a chart that distinguishes one as praise and the other as encouragement.  By these definitions, I am a firm believer in encouragement as a tool for helping students develop a sense of agency and an internal locus of control.

To read more on the topic, check out the works of H. Stephen Glenn, Jane Nelsen,  Rudolf Dreikurs,  Peter H. Johnston,  and Alfie Kohn.  

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How do I explain Middle School homework?

Ms. Dorothy -

Although my child is a very intelligent individual, he commonly comes home confused. My son tells me that he will ask a question and the teacher answers the question very vaguely or only gives one explanation or example. How do I help him understand how to complete his homework?

- Middle School Mom

Your son is very smart indeed to know that what he needs in order to understand an assignment is additional explanations and examples. Knowing himself as a learner will be so helpful to him throughout his education!

One of the hardest things about transitioning from an elementary school into a middle or high school is getting used to having multiple teachers to work with. It can be hard for those teachers to get to know all their students as readily as elementary teachers do.

It may be challenging for this teacher to know exactly what it is he needs, or to understand what he is asking for in the middle of class. Perhaps scheduling a quick meeting with her is his best course of action. If he can explain his needs to her at a separate time, he may be able to get the kind of answer that will help him in the future.

In the meantime, have him give me a call, and we'll figure this assignment out together.

How do I stop a blurter?

Ms. Dorothy -
I have a student in my class who is always calling out and trying to get the rest of the class to copy him. The class ends up mimicking him and he is always giving wrong answers or smart answers to get them to laugh. How do I get him to stop blurting out wrong answers and obnoxious comments for the class to copy? He is so disruptive to the students who are behaving!
- Primary Teacher

It sounds like this student has some real leadership needs. Possibly even some skills as a leader! What about re-focusing him to lead the class in a productive way? Is there something that he is particularly passionate about? Can you have him be in charge of leading a class activity that would be of interest to him? Maybe leading a song, a math discussion, a game, or being your assistant for something important will satisfy his need to be in charge.

Giving him the chance to be "the teacher" for some routine during the day might be the best way to diffuse his need to call out at other times. If you empower him to lead at something that matters to him and is positive for the class, perhaps he will need less attention in other ways.