How do I get my kids to be responsible?

Ms. Dorothy
I have been having trouble lately I started school this semester and it seems my children stopped doing all homework all chores all responsibilities. Can you help?
A Student and Mom

It sounds like your children are accustomed to having someone supporting them with homework and chores.  It is possible that the work routines in your home are built around your motivation and drive.  

Perhaps they have not internalized the importance you put on these activities, and are still looking for you to remind and require them to do their work.  

You may need to create a system to replace you in the work formula.  

Having a list or schedule of what needs to be done and when might help.  You can have the children check off each task as it is completed.  Another option might be to reward tasks done, and withhold a privilege for things left un-done. 

More impactful, however, would be to ignore the dishes in the sink, the laundry in the hall, or the homework left undone, and allow your children to experience the consequences for their choices.

This is  a challenging path because it requires you to live with the messy rooms, and face the teacher reports.  

It does, however, but the responsibility for getting these things done back on the boys.   
Making up a new schedule for homework might help as well.  If they will only work when you are there to supervise them,  make the last hour before bed time a homework hour.  It isn't the ideal "directly after school"  homework time you were accostomed to inforcing, but it may make getting something done more realistic.   

Then choose something you can live with, and ignore the fact that they haven't done it.   
Be sure to explain that you can't be in a kitchen full of dirty dishes, so you will be unable to cook dinner or make lunches for school.  They will live without a meal one night, and so will you.  Feel free to tell them how hungry you are while you work on homework.  I won't take more than one night of sleeping on an empty tummy before they are sure to get those dishes done.   

Just be sure that it doesn't become about you nagging, or cajoling, or bribing or convincing them.  It should simply be a lesson in cause and effect.  Because the dishes didn't get done, you can't cook and everyone will be hungry tonight.  The more matter-of-fact, the better.  When they want to beg, or convince you, simply change the subject.  They will catch on!

How do I stop the bathroom demands in class?

Ms. Dorothy,
What is the best routine for bathroom breaks in Kindergarten?  My room doesn't have a bathroom, the kids go down the hall, they just have to ask. But I find I am getting more and more requests to use the bathroom and it seems like it might be Spring fever rather than need.  I don't want to say "no" though, cause, well, they are in Kindergarten, and accidents happen!  Can you help?
- First Year Teacher

The best routines are those you establish early in the year and used consistently. 

In my classroom, I like to treat all of the daily business the same way it would be treated in an office. We talk about the places that adults work, and how they do things there. Would the boss have everyone line up by gender and use the bathroom at the same time? Would the grown-ups in an office go ask the boss when they wanted to use the bathroom? 

Generally, my students conclude that the bathroom is the kind of business that should not be announced, and that it should be up to the person who needs it to decide when. 

For safety, we need to know where everyone is, so students place their name card in the "boys room" or "girls room" pocket, and take the pass when they need to leave the room.  

If the pass is missing, we wait, or let the teacher know that we absolutely cannot. 

We also talk about how a grown-up in an office wouldn't get up and leave the room during an important meeting. They would know to go before the meeting, or wait until after. 

We establish that the reason we come to school is to learn, and the "important meetings" in our classroom would be any time the teacher is instructing the whole group. The times when we are supposed to be practicing or working independently are better for exiting the room to use the bathroom.

Once that is the norm in your classroom, your job becomes to watch and listen and pay attention to those times when there is greater demand.

Invariably, something you are doing is not engaging them if they are "taking walks" while you are teaching, interrupting to request the bathroom, or waiting 3 deep to use the pass. 

It happens. It just means it is time to change up what you are having them do because it simply isn't engaging.

How do I establish procedures for my class?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am almost finished with my teaching practicum, and though I won't be starting my own class till the Fall, I've been thinking about all the little routines of the classroom.  How do you go about teaching all those daily things about bathrooms and snacks and pencil sharpeners at the beginning of the year? I'm nervous I won't be ready.
- Student Teacher

There was a great post recently on Edutopia about this with some decent suggestions.

Something to keep in mind is that if you start out by teaching some simple procedures for these routine situations, they won't become a problem for  you later.

There is a wonderful book called The First Six Weeks of School for the beginning of the year that many brand new teachers have found extremely helpful - it's also useful for teachers who need to re-group and establish procedures that weren't there before.

Keep in mind that it isn't just about having rules and regulations in place, it's about establishing rapport and making sure that needs are met in the classroom.  Students shouldn't feel the need to "escape" your class if you are focused and prepared and the learning is engaging.  

If you begin from the assumption that what you are doing, what you are having them do, is engaging and interesting and worthwhile work, then you can also assume that a request for the bathroom comes from genuine need. 

When in doubt, consider an office situation. Would you have regulations in place about the use of the bathroom or watercooler in your office?  What might they look like? Would you have a set time when all the female workers could use the rest room?  Would the entire office staff wait outside the bathrooms and go one at a time because it was "bathroom break time?" Would you limit the number of times each staff member could use the bathroom in a day? Would you time their trips to the bathroom?

If the bathroom or fountain is a place to meet an actual need, it should be used when it is needed.  Try keeping a pass by the door that students can take as they exit, so you will know when someone is out.  

If you are concerned about interruptions during teaching, consider again the office. Would someone be comfortable to get up in the middle of a presentation and exit to use the bathroom?  Would they raise their hand and give a signal to do so? Would you expect them to have gone before or after the presentation?  

Consider presenting these questions to your students when establishing routines of respect for your room. Chances are that students will understand the need to remain in the room during a lesson and to discretely exit when necessary during an independent work time. 

If you find that students are racing to grab the pass when it is returned, stop what you are doing and re-group.  They are simply not engaged in whatever you have them doing and you need to do something differently.


You've already figured out that if you spend the time up front on creating how things are done in your room, you will have more peace long term.  You're going to be fine!

Managing Behavior in Kindergarten (Part 2)

Ms. Dorothy,
My principal is concerned about my classroom management.  I am not a brand new teacher, but this is my first year in kindergarten.  All the tools in my bag of tricks seem to fall flat with these little guys.  The hardest thing is getting through transitions, but I guess I'm struggling with getting their attention at other times too.  I have a bell I ring, and I clap a rhythm, but they just aren't working well. I am sending home notes about behaviors daily and I'm not happy to have all this attention from the principal for what I'm not doing well.  Maybe you have some ideas I can try?
- 6th year teacher

It is always hard to be asked to examine your practice, especially when you aren't aware that you are having a problem with something, but the reflection and new learning you are doing will be worth the work, both for you and for those kindees.

In the world of coaching, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "deficit focused development" and it seldom works the way people who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If your principal turns his/her attention to what you are doing successfully, and provides you with models of teachers who are not struggling with transitions, you are more likely to notice the great "tools" other teachers are using on your own, and adapt them to your classroom.

Take some time to reflect on what you do well, visit other teachers, and build on strengths.

The important thing to remember is that transitions require routines, and routines have to be learned, and kindergarten children need a lot of practice and a lot of encouragement to master new routines. 


Breaking your transition, or attention getting routine, down into the smallest possible parts, and instructing, and taking time to practice each of those steps, will yield the best results. There are some great resources for teaching routines available, just remember that kindergarten children need plenty of time dedicated to learning routines. 

For those children who are not cooperating, the best thing you can do for them is exactly what would work best for you.

In the world of kindergarten, getting attention for what you are not doing well is called "behavior management" and it seldom works the way teachers who are proponents of it, believe it will.

If you turn your attention to what the students are doing well and are successful at, and you provide them with models of what it looks like to be doing it correctly, they are likely to mimic the correct behavior to earn your praise.  They want to please you more than you can imagine, and that is the best tool in your bag of tricks by far!

I have some previous posts here, here, and here that talk about ways to encourage young children to "behave" in class.  When in doubt, try talking to them about the problem and asking them to help brainstorm ways to work together better. You can always go to their greatest strengths and build on them.

The important thing to remember is that WHEN a consequence is necessary, when a situation deliberately endangers someone's physical or mental well-being, the response should be immediate and directly connected to the situation. A threat, or a punishment at another time, or that seems unconnected to the "crime" will not be effective and will frustrate you both.  

How do I deal with toddler tantrums?

Ms. Dorothy -
_________ is almost 2 years old now. When we play and it is time to clean up, he gets mad and starts trying to hit people and throws things and screams. What can we do?
- Aunt, Babysitter, Student

He is so lucky to have you playing with him and engaging him in games and activities! Everything you learn while you study early childhood development will help you enrich his life even more.

One of the hardest things for a toddler to deal with is the fact that his mind is much more sophisticated than his ability to communicate. When a child doesn't have the words to express how he is feeling and what he wants, it is not unusual that he will throw a tantrum.

Something that might help is to make sure there are lots of cues about coming transitions. Have a signal to tell him that clean up time is coming, and make sure he understands that when ____ happens, it will be time to clean up. Negotiate it with him well in advance, and then be very, very consistent about following through.

With time and experience he will come to rely on that consistency, and may even use your signal to let you know when he wants to be done with an activity.

How do I know if my child needs special help?

Ms. Dorothy -

I have a child that struggles from day to day with literacy. Some days he writes great big letters and fidgets, moving the book close and then far away from his face. Then other days he writes between the lines nearly perfectly and reads with ease. On the days he struggles, he retains nothing and always feels down about it. Have you any advice or insight as to what the problem may be? Does he need special help? What solutions would you suggest?

- Mom of a 3rd grader

What a challenge it must be for him to face days like that! Feeling down seems like a very appropriate response to that kind of struggle.

I wonder if there is anything else consistent about the days he cannot focus. Sometimes changes in routines can have an impact on the ability to concentrate. Being aware of his sleeping, eating and other daily routines might give you some insight into his difficulty retaining what he is supposed to be learning in school.

Any kind of dramatic change in his life, or reasons he may be depressed should be considered as well. Be sure to check with his teachers and have him monitored in case something is happening at school that is leading to his struggles.

Those concerns aside, it might be a good idea just to have his eyes checked. It is rare that a child makes it all the way to 3rd grade without a vision screening catching something, but it happens. I would recommend taking him to an eye doctor for a full eye exam.

It would be a shame to have him waste any more learning time in discouragement if what he needs is a pair of glasses!

How do I meet the needs of 5, 6 and 7 year olds?

Ms. Dorothy -

I am running a music enrichment program with Kindergarten, 1st and 2nd grade students. I'm experienced in doing this with older students, like middle or high school, and these high energy young ones are uncharted territory for me! Couple of questions for you.. How do I teach and engage to that level? Or what are some key principles to keep in mind for this age? How best do I look at this class and how to hold the space appropriately to allow their knowledge and beats to flourish? How do I keep it fun and engaging for all the ages? Help?!

- Music teacher

High School to Kindergarten is a big leap. No wonder you are feeling unsure of yourself! Those little guys need as many opportunities for expression as they can get, so I know this is going to be a great experience for all of you.

First of all, relax, and don't sell yourself short. You know what you are doing when it comes to the material, and students are students, no matter how tall they are.

Essentially you can't teach a room, or an age, or a grade; all you can teach is the person in front of you. Get to know these students for who they are. They will show you what is important to them within the first few minutes.

I like to think of it as putting the students first and letting the content be a tool. Instead of teaching Music to young children, try teaching young children the whys and hows of Music. There is a difference. It works for any content you want to teach, and any students.

Be prepared to move with them, to be excited with them, to get loud with them, and to enjoy them. They will need some order and routine to help them understand the structure of their time with you, and they will need variety and novelty to stay engaged.

The best thing you can bring them is a challenge, so don't be afraid of using the same language and content you would teach older students. Just break it down with them to things that are familiar and let them share how they connect to it.

Basic principles to keep in mind when working with children: Smile often. Sing instructions. Establish routines. Be genuine. Follow their lead. Respect their individuality. Enjoy their creativity. Inspire them with possibilities. Encourage them with laughter. Believe in them.

And Have fun!