Why is my child lying?

Dear Ms Dorothy 

My 6 yr old daughter has been lying to the boy next door and neither her father nor myself nor the little boy’s mother can understand why she is doing this. I had her sister 2 months ago and yet we haven't seen anything to show she is jealous. Even if that is the fact, why  should she take it out on a little boy that previously she would play fine with? Now it just seems that every time we parents turn around she is lying to one of us, and I just found out that she was lying to her father and myself  as well.  How do I stop this? 

Concerned   mother of 2

You may be thinking correctly about your daughter's jealousy. It is a very common and very normal reaction to a new baby in the family, but whether or not this is the reason for her lying, there are some things you can do to help her.

First you have to consider the reaction that she gets when she lies. What the little boy and his mother say and do when she lies can make a big difference in helping to stop this behavior.  What yourself and her father do and say when you learn about these lies is important as well.

What our children want, more than anything else, is our attention. 

Every moment we spend with them is like a prize, and when they do something wrong, we try to make sure that they understand how important it is not to repeat the mistake.  In order to do that, we get very close, look right in their eyes, talk very intently, maybe even touch them. 

To a young child, even the fact that we are disappointed, or frustrated, or angry with them cannot outweigh the fact that we are having a highly emotionally charged interaction with them.  

It is a very big prize.

In the weeks leading up to your baby's birth your daughter probably saw your focus begin to turn inward, and when the big day came, it wasn't over as she may have expected. She may have known a baby was coming, but the change in the way the family runs is something children don't know how to anticipate.  

You are still attending to the needs of the infant, and balancing that with her needs, but she is probably looking for the intensity of connection that she sees the baby get.  

She may not appear to be jealous, and is certainly not aware if this is what is making her tell lies, but it may be the root cause.

Most likely it has nothing to do with the little boy, except that he may be helping her to get the attention. It may be worthwhile to talk about it with the boy's family.  

Sometimes ignoring the lying for a while, and creating some close moments that are focused on her, or even on teaching her to help care for her baby sister, can help. 

You might try scheduling some predictable time that is just for the two of you, or just for her and her father.  Giving her some close attention for no reason at all might prevent her from seeking it in negative ways.  

Chances are this behavior will fade if it stops getting a lot of notice.

Relationships for Learning

My name is Dorothy Shapland, and I have been an early childhood educator for the past 28 years teaching preschool, kindergarten, 1^st, 2^nd and 3^rd grade. I work as a mentor and coach providing training and support to teachers both locally and on line. 

The Issue I have become most passionate about through this work is the importance of building relationships for learning in education.  When teachers connect with their students, when children feel they are valued, when curriculum is modified to meet the specific needs of each child, the chance of success for all involved is increased. 

Building a relationship with a student, understanding who he is, how she learns, what his passions are, what she sees as her strengths and how he perceives his chances of being successful, are all skills that can be broken down and mastered by teachers.

I decided to research what it would take to ensure that teachers are equipped to do this kind of relationship building.  I began with a review of studies that have been done on the effectiveness and the long term impact of student-teacher relationships. Research conducted by the US Department of Health and Human Services, the Campaign for Educational Equity, The California Department of Education, Teachers College, Michigan Department of Education, and the National Education Association all evidenced that positive student teacher relationships, are directly correlated to improved student outcomes. 

As much as we feel the push to standardize instruction, and teach students in core content and subjects, driving for improved test scores, the research consistently supports taking the time to know students well and build strong relationships so that we can individualize their instruction, is the more effective course.

I interviewed pre-school, kindergarten, first grade, middle school, high school and college students about their perceptions of what makes an effective teacher.  I spoke with parents about how they see their children’s success over years with different teachers.  I asked educators what separates great teachers from bad ones. 

These various stakeholders identified very similar attributes and qualities, and their statements were completely consistent with the research data I had collected.  I found that when I analyzed these results for themes, the answers fell into the categories Attention, Belonging, Care and Direction.

Because these categories are perceived as essential for teachers by all of those invested in the outcomes, and because the research is aligned, it became important to find out what teachers are being taught about relationship building.

I surveyed 104 teachers representing 12 US states, and 5 other countries, teachers of all levels with degrees from 92 colleges, and teaching experience ranging from 0 to 44 years.

From this survey I found that teachers feel they are well trained and supported in direct instruction, content and curriculum, but learn about the importance of relationships, family connections, and positive behavior supports through experience and independent study.

A completely unexpected, but significant outcome from this study was finding that teachers felt well trained in those things that were of least value in their practice, and that the things they valued most as creating success for their students were those individualizing skills they were least trained and supported in. 

The community has identified a need for training expectations around relationship building for beginning teachers. The Next step for action then is to change the standards for teacher training programs.  

Over the next several months the Colorado Lieutenant Governor's Advisory Council on professional development will be defining the competencies for Early Childhood Education degrees in the state, and aligning these with other licensing and certification programs. As a member of this council, my plan is to have this research inform some of the alignment work we do moving forward.

The other key action step that emerged from the research was the finding that more experienced teachers feel that their best learning is often in professional reading. 

After examining the data for themes, stakeholders have identified some initial topics and content for a resource book I hope to complete in the next year.

Earlier this week Kansas became the first state in the union to create and pass standards for social and emotional development in K-12 education.  My hope is that Colorado will use this work as a blueprint for our own as we move forward to ensure that every young child and family is met by responsive and caring adults throughout their education.

For more information or to get involved in the project please visit http://www.wix.com/dorothyshapland/askmsdorothy#!relationship-building

When do I remove disruptive students?

Ms. Dorothy,
I am in a co-teaching situation with 4th and 5th grade at-risk students. The other teachers remove the student from the classroom after a couple warnings on behavior and send them to the principle - this is what the school has suggested. In my facilitation, I have never chosen to remove a student from the classroom unless they are putting another person in danger. I prefer to talk it out and explain what the problem is and what they need to do. So what is your insight on removing students from the classroom? 
-Music Teacher

Depending on how it is handled, I believe that removing a student from the immediate activity, or even from the learning space is often the right thing to do.  

If a student is disrupting the learning for others, she can be invited to consider the others, or can be reminded of the needs of the others. If she persists in the behaviors that are causing the problem, despite being ignored, she should be given no more time, attention or consideration. 

While continuing to talk with, teach, direct or work with the rest of the class, this child can be walked to an alternate place in the room where, from outside the circle of learning, she can observe.

This should not require any discussion because the "warning" has already been given. She knows why, and it is insulting to continue to explain, lecture, yell, correct or chastise her.

Just act. 

If she continues to disrupt from outside the group, she should be removed in the same manner to an alternate safe, supervised space. Without comment.  

The other children in the class will look for consistency from you. So rinse and repeat. 

If you end up in the room alone, continue to play, dance, sing and laugh.The next day, start with a clean slate, but stay consistent. Some will not need to test you again. 
  
Belonging is the single greatest need of "at-risk" students. If you are offering something they want, they will work to be a part of it.

How do I get my children to share?

Ms. Dorothy,

What is your take on "sharing" both between sibling and in the classroom? I know that in the Montessori preschool a child has their work, and they can choose whether or not another is allowed to join them. Do you feel it is essential to teach your children to share when they have received a gift?
- New Teacher & Getting Married Soon

Keeping children from grabbing and fighting over things in a classroom is much easier when there are ground-rules like in the Montessori classroom. If it is well established that every child has the right to play with the materials they have chosen until they are through, there is no room for disagreement.

If you want your children to learn to share, the most important thing you can do is make sure they see you model it. Telling children to share, and actively demonstrating what it is to be generous and thoughtful are very different. One results in internalized learning, the other doesn't.

When you receive a gift, invite them to help you open it, invite them to try it out. Don't worry about how long they have it or what they do with it. Thank them for giving it back to you when they do.

Remember that the less they have, the harder it is for them to trust their things in the hands of others. And the more they have seen at home that contradicts what you show them, the harder your task will be.

When you see them emulate your behavior, acknowledge their generosity and praise them for sharing, every time. For some, it will stick and grow.

How do I deal with 3rd grade tantrums?

Ms. Dorothy,
I have a student in my 3rd grade class who throws tantrums. He gets violent and throws things and screams very much like a toddler. What can I do to make him stop?
-Frustrated Teacher

I wonder what kinds of things trigger these tantrums, the frequency, duration and situations surrounding them that might be a clue to what is going on  with him.

The truth is that this behavior is successful for him.  There is something that he wants, and he gets that need satisfied by the fits.  

It really has nothing to do with the immediate situation, it has to do with the attention he needs and the feelings he is experiencing and trying to express.

The tantrum will need to run it's course before he will be able to discuss it. Try taking the rest of the class out of the room the next time he "goes off." Then when he is through, perhaps he will be open to talking about it and learning some tools for better problem solving.

How can I make a change in public education right now?

Ms. Dorothy,
What can I do right now to change what is wrong with education for my students? I'm a relatively new teacher and I just want to feel like I'm doing something to make it better. Everyone complains, but no one will tell me what specifically I can do tomorrow that will matter. I know there are a million things that need to change, and I can't fix all of that, but there must be something I can do that would make it better. Right?
- 1st year Teacher

What a great way to look at making lesson plans for tomorrow! Of course there are things we can all do to make education work for students, and maybe your idea of one thing, right now, is the best way to go about it.

If I were to name one thing that you can do to improve education, I would say that you should have a passion outside of school. There should be something in your life that is exciting and inspiring to you, something that you enjoy doing, something that you look forward to spending time on, that isn't school.

That may seem really hard right now, you are just starting teaching, and it probably consumes far too much of your personal time- and that is reason enough to start working on your passion now. Not because you need something else to do, but because you need to bring something that isn't in a text book or curriculum map to your students.

Learn to play an instrument. Join a rock band. Audition for a community theater play. Crochet blankets for a shelter. Volunteer to sit on the board of a non-profit organization. Open a community garden. Start a blog reviewing movies or books. Photograph light poles or road signs. Take an art class. Study martial arts. Dance, mime, juggle, tell jokes, do yoga, learn to speak Klingon, or Elvish....

Your passion for something will open a world to them and invite the possibility that they too can explore. It will fuel your writing to have something in your life that excites you, and they will see that. It will fill you with drive and heal you when things are tough in school, and they will see how you are invigorated and refreshed by what you do. It will give you a different frame of reference and a new bank of metaphors, and they will see how what you teach applies outside of school.

It will make you a better teacher, and it will inspire other teachers, and that will make the whole system grow.

I'm certain that there will be many, many ways that you will make a difference in the lives of the students you teach. Remembering to work on the relationship you have with each individual child will always matter more than any other preparation you do.

When they know that you are there for them, and not just for the content you teach, all the rest becomes easier. And when they know that you care enough about yourself to feed your own passions, they will value your relationship that much more.