Why can't I use Time Out any more?

Ms. Dorothy,
I've heard some stuff lately about not using "time out" with kids. I was told that I should use a "thinking chair" or an "observation chair" but not a "time out chair."  Is this just the latest in PC terms, or is there really something different about these? 
- Home Child Care Provider

Generally, when a term becomes taboo in education, it means that the thinking has changed. It isn't just a new term, it is a new approach, and the name change is designed to make you think differently about it.

"Time out" is thought of as a way to punish or reprimand a child for wrong-doing.

"Observation" or "Thinking" or "Cool Down" or "Quiet Space" or "Peace Table" are all ways to shift the thinking from correction to learning.

When you remove a child from the group to observe what others are doing, to think about choices, to cool down, or to find a peaceful or quiet moment to re-group and become ready to return, it shouldn't be about punishment. 

Adding a "time out" consequence to a "quiet think time" when the child is calm, is a great way to satisfy the adult's need to humble and punish a child, but isn't at all about learning. 

Learning happens when the adult takes the time to talk with the child who is ready to calmly rejoin the group.  That conversation should be the point of removing a child.

If the adult is not able to talk calmly about; how the child could have handled the situation differently, and what s/he will do next time, then it is the adult who needs a "time out."

Let's move our thinking from making children comply and conform and defer to the adults, to helping children to understand how their actions and reactions impact others, and how they have the power to make different choices.

How do I show a tween he doesn't know it all?

Ms. Dorothy,

My boy is in 5th grade, and he is convinced that he knows everything. How do I show this hard-headed young man that every day is a new learning experience and an opportunity?

-"Gifted" Mom

It seems that his Gifted and Talented label has gone to his hard head.  

Perhaps you could show him the difference between learning things quickly and easily, and already knowing.  

Pick something that he has never done before, like flying a biplane, and ask him to teach you how. When he can't, ask if he will research it with you. Look up information about the plane, and let him read up about it till he can explain how it works. Then point out how this was new material that he learned.

Then ask him to teach you how to tie a shoe. 

The two are completely different experiences.

Already knowing is what you do once you have learned. But to learn, you have to first admit that you don't already know, and then go get the information.  

"Giftedness" is about the disposition to learn. Without that, he is just knowledgeable.

When should my children play on computers?

Ms. Dorothy,
There is a lot of talk now about new technology and 21st century skills, but I'm uncomfortable having my young children on the computer.  Not that I'm afraid of computers, I just feel that there are better things they could be doing with their time.  I have friends that rave about their toddler's skills with a mouse, but I'd rather my kids were not into technology yet.  What do you think?
- Dad of a 3 and a 4 year old

Technology holds tremendous promise for education. It brings the whole world into the learning equation, and as it becomes more mobile and versatile, the potential seems endless.  

Preschool children, however, don't need any of it. 

The developing brain takes in information about the world through the senses, and builds connections with these experiences.  Active involvement and interaction between the child and the world is essential to learning. 

Any amount of "screen time" in the early years is actually time lost from doing those things the child is watching.  This goes for tv, computer and any other games or devices that do not allow the child to physically interact with what they are looking at.

The Wii, Kinect, and other interactive gaming programs allow children to virtually interact with things. However, seeing an avatar pet an animal while you make motions like you are petting it, is just not the same brain building experience as actually petting an animal, feeling it's warmth and fur, smelling it's breath, and having it react to your touch.  

Children, especially young children, need to have real experiences before the virtual and visual equivalents will have meaning for them.  

Let your children play, and create. Take them to parks and zoos and playgrounds, and give them experiences that build the network in their brains.  Then later they can use that brain to network in other ways.

How do I teach my students to try harder?

Ms. Dorothy,
How do you deal with children who don't do their best? What do you do to instill the value of hard work in your students? I never expected to have first graders in my class who aren't there to learn! I was never like that!
- First year Teacher

Some students (like you!) are fortunate enough to learn, early on, that their success in school is directly connected to their effort.  Others, however, need to be taught this concept.  

Some students believe that the children who do well in school are "just smarter."  Some actually believe that there is some kind of luck about doing well in school - these are often the same students who blame their teachers for their poor grades.

All children need to know that Trying Their Best is what makes them smarter and more successful.  

If your students aren't giving their best efforts, stop for a moment and teach them the connection.  Notice aloud those students who are doing well at something, and recognize how hard they are working at it.  Remind them all that they too can have remarkable work, if they try their best.

They can all learn that learning isn't magic, luck, or the domain of only a few.

How do I help my tween-aged rebel?

Ms. Dorothy,
My son is 12, and whenever he doesn't like the way a teacher talks to him, or delivers an assignment, he gets stubborn and rebellious and refuses to do what he is asked. How do I convince him that he is only punishing himself and not the teacher?
- Mom of a tween-ager

It is amazing how much a twelve year old is like a 2 year old. They want to be independent ("Me do!") and try out all that their newly developing bodies can do; but they really don't have the experience or mastery to climb as far as they think they can, without support.

Just like when he was 2, you want to encourage him to explore and assert his independence, but you want to be within reach in case he has bitten off more than he can chew. And you want to comfort him and convince him to try again when he falls.

These in-between years are all about experimenting with power and experiencing consequences. The skinned knees are different when reflected in grades, but they are just as important to the learning.

Those who teach this age group know what they are up against. Talk to his teacher. Then brace yourself for that gut-wrenching feeling when you see that chair tipping over just like you knew it would. Then, like you did when he was little, say, "Wow, that hurt, huh? But you're ok. Let's try that again. You want my help this time?"

Often parenting is about finding the right balance between offering support and allowing consequences.

How can I get this child to stop whining?

Ms. Dorothy,
_______ can speak in broken sentences, but often when he wants something he whines and does not use his words. His mom and dad and I don't all agree on how to handle the whining. He often winds up in a full tantrum to get what he wants. What steps can we take to strengthen his verbalization and curb the whining?
- Day Care Provider

The first step you will need to take, is to sit down with the parents and get some agreement about what you are going to do to help him grow. Consistency is essential if you are trying to encourage one behavior and discourage another.

This child needs to know that his needs will be met. If he believes that the world is a safe and consistent place, he is more likely to relax and trust that a problem isn't forever, and that there is something he can do to get his problems solved.

The adults in his life also need to understand that he will speak to communicate one day, but not necessarily on their time-tables. And that is okay.

Talk to him more. Talk about what you are doing as you go about your day. Remain calm and clear in your conversations with him so that he sees a good example.

If the adults relax and work together, the reduction in stress alone may translate into more talking and less whining.

How do I decide where to send my kids to school?

Ms. Dorothy,
I'm wondering what your opinion is on some of the educational alternatives I'm considering for my kids. They are still in preschool now, and I don't want to pay for private schools, but I'm not convinced that regular public schools are the right answer any more. I've been looking at a Montessori charter school, an Expeditionary Learning magnet school, and a Core Knowledge charter school in my area. I know you are familiar with all of them, and I want to know your thoughts about the pros and cons of each.
- Dad weighing Schools of Choice.

Well, I am an AMS certified Montessorian, and an Expeditionary Learning Outward Bound instructor. I have taught in a charter school, a magnet school, a private school, a "regular" public school, and a pilot school. I've even done the home school route. I have never taught in a Core Knowledge school, though some of my friends do. I've tried a lot of these models, both as a teacher and as a parent, and I have my biases.

The most important thing for you to consider is your children.

Knowing who your students are as learners and as individuals is essential in making this decision. Being prepared to try something else as your children grow and change is also important; as is considering the possibility that what works for one might not work for the other.

Yes, there is a lot of data out there about how children in each of these settings fare on tests of knowledge or skill. There are also some long term studies done on how these different models prepare children for the rest of their academic careers.

None of that matters if your son or daughter doesn't "fit" the model you are considering, or if the philosophy of education is not aligned with what you believe about teaching and learning.

Go do some research, and know all you can about what you are weighing. Go and visit these schools of choice. Talk to the teachers if you can. Ask hard questions about your specific children's needs and issues as learners. Find someone who feels the way you do about educating your children.

Then trust your gut, and leap with conviction, and do whatever you can to support your children in the model you've chosen.

Because when it comes to education, nothing done half-heartedly works. Ever.

How can I get more parents to volunteer?

Ms. Dorothy,

My kindergartener has had several parties since school started. The classroom mom sends out an email each time asking parents to either contribute snacks, crafts, games or a small monetary donation. Every single time it's the same 4 moms that help. One mom even ended up spending $100 (TRUE STORY!) to make sure that there were enough games and activities for whole class. It seems so unfair that out of 30 students, 4 moms are shouldering all of the responsibility. How can we encourage more parents to step-up?

- Exhausted Momma

It is generally true that 10% of the people do 90% of the work, so this isn't unusual. Because you are parents of kindergarten children, you may just be seeing this for the first time. It won't be the last time you find yourself shouldering more than your fair share. You are one of the 10%. Thank you for that, and for all you do.

The problem here is not that the other parents won't step up, the problem is that the teacher is misusing the support that is available. Rather than throwing parties and having parents providing games and crafts and food, the teacher should be using these willing volunteers to read with students, organize parent education nights, and share their talents, passions and careers with the children.

Perhaps the solution is to get those 4 parents together and have them suggest an alternative to the next party. What a powerful learning tool it would it be to have these parents find and plan a service project for the class. They could teach their children the value of volunteering, and maybe change that 10% statistic in the future.

How can I make a change in public education right now?

Ms. Dorothy,
What can I do right now to change what is wrong with education for my students? I'm a relatively new teacher and I just want to feel like I'm doing something to make it better. Everyone complains, but no one will tell me what specifically I can do tomorrow that will matter. I know there are a million things that need to change, and I can't fix all of that, but there must be something I can do that would make it better. Right?
- 1st year Teacher

What a great way to look at making lesson plans for tomorrow! Of course there are things we can all do to make education work for students, and maybe your idea of one thing, right now, is the best way to go about it.

If I were to name one thing that you can do to improve education, I would say that you should have a passion outside of school. There should be something in your life that is exciting and inspiring to you, something that you enjoy doing, something that you look forward to spending time on, that isn't school.

That may seem really hard right now, you are just starting teaching, and it probably consumes far too much of your personal time- and that is reason enough to start working on your passion now. Not because you need something else to do, but because you need to bring something that isn't in a text book or curriculum map to your students.

Learn to play an instrument. Join a rock band. Audition for a community theater play. Crochet blankets for a shelter. Volunteer to sit on the board of a non-profit organization. Open a community garden. Start a blog reviewing movies or books. Photograph light poles or road signs. Take an art class. Study martial arts. Dance, mime, juggle, tell jokes, do yoga, learn to speak Klingon, or Elvish....

Your passion for something will open a world to them and invite the possibility that they too can explore. It will fuel your writing to have something in your life that excites you, and they will see that. It will fill you with drive and heal you when things are tough in school, and they will see how you are invigorated and refreshed by what you do. It will give you a different frame of reference and a new bank of metaphors, and they will see how what you teach applies outside of school.

It will make you a better teacher, and it will inspire other teachers, and that will make the whole system grow.

I'm certain that there will be many, many ways that you will make a difference in the lives of the students you teach. Remembering to work on the relationship you have with each individual child will always matter more than any other preparation you do.

When they know that you are there for them, and not just for the content you teach, all the rest becomes easier. And when they know that you care enough about yourself to feed your own passions, they will value your relationship that much more.

How do I deal with toddler tantrums?

Ms. Dorothy -
_________ is almost 2 years old now. When we play and it is time to clean up, he gets mad and starts trying to hit people and throws things and screams. What can we do?
- Aunt, Babysitter, Student

He is so lucky to have you playing with him and engaging him in games and activities! Everything you learn while you study early childhood development will help you enrich his life even more.

One of the hardest things for a toddler to deal with is the fact that his mind is much more sophisticated than his ability to communicate. When a child doesn't have the words to express how he is feeling and what he wants, it is not unusual that he will throw a tantrum.

Something that might help is to make sure there are lots of cues about coming transitions. Have a signal to tell him that clean up time is coming, and make sure he understands that when ____ happens, it will be time to clean up. Negotiate it with him well in advance, and then be very, very consistent about following through.

With time and experience he will come to rely on that consistency, and may even use your signal to let you know when he wants to be done with an activity.

How do I plan for teaching a LONG unit of study?

Ms. Dorothy,
I have to start teaching the Civil War soon and I don't know what to do. I'm just not sure how to begin. When I taught it before I had only two days, now I have a whole month. Any inspiration for me?
- High School Teacher

How exciting to have a long chunk of time to work with! Even in 90 minute sessions, having an extended period to focus on one topic really provides opportunities to let the students take on the content.

Do a little research and collect material for the students to work with. Articles, pictures and first hand accounts will make it come to life. Check out what the Library of Congress has to offer, their teacher section has some amazing primary source materials!

Then give that research to the class and let them work in collaborative groups to understand and share it with the rest of the class.

Find an expert or an enactor in your area to come in and talk to the class, or set up a skype session with one that isn't in your area. Giving students someone to interview can really help keep the subject from getting dry.

Pose a question for the class to debate and have them take sides and argue their case. Bring in an audience, or video tape the debate to send to experts and let someone other than you score them for their content knowledge.

The more work the students are doing and the less you are directly teaching them the content, the better they will absorb the material, and the more meaningful it will be.

Most of all, have fun with it, and the students will too!

How do I get a tired kid to do homework?

Ms. Dorothy -

_____ is soooo tired after school that she has a super hard time with her homework. She cries and cries and just lays her head down on the table saying she is just tooo tired and can’t do it. School uses every ounce of energy that poor child has and by the time I pick her up, all she wants to do is eat dinner and go to bed. We end up spending an hour on a simple worksheet just because she is too exhausted to concentrate. How do I help her?

- Mom of a 1st grader

It must be so hard for you to see your child so distressed, and want to comfort her and give her rest, while still encouraging her to value education and get homework done!

There must be a great amount of stress in her day to exhaust her that way. Especially if it is happening every day.

I think that it is more important to address the stress than it is to complete the homework, and that if she needs a nap after school, she should get one, and this is why:

When you are in a stressful situation, your body releases chemicals that flood the brain, and too much of these chemicals can damage, and even kill off brain cells. The area of the brain most impacted by this imbalance is the same area that is responsible for memory. This means that your daughter may be impairing her ability to learn in school by being stressed on a regular basis. Crying it out and sleeping at the end of the day may be the best way for her to release that stress and help her brain and body get back to a more balanced state.

There are so many aspects of a school day that can cause stress. Your daughter may need help to understand how to address each different situation and let it go rather than letting them accumulate all day.

There may also be something specific that is too much of a challenge for her, and that is what is causing this extreme stress reaction.

So, the homework that matters now is really yours. Find out what the unduly difficult parts of her day are, and help her cope with them so that she can function with less stress.

When she comes home and wants to play instead of cry and sleep, you'll know she is ready for homework!

How can I prepare my child for starting school?

Ms. Dorothy,

My daughter will not be able to enter kindergarten this year because of cut-off dates, and I can’t afford a preschool program to keep her learning until she can start school next year. What suggestions do you have for teaching her at home? She can count to at least 20, and knows all the letters and sounds, she is really ready to read & I just need to know what to do to keep her moving forward. Can you help?

- Mom of a 4 year old

She is so well prepared already for kindergarten! I commend you for wanting to continue working with her. There is no harm in having her ahead before she starts school.

One of the best things you could do for her would be to take her out and give her some cultural experiences. Going to an Art or Science museum would be so enriching, and many provide free days or sponsor cultural events in the community.

One of the best ways to get her to move into reading is by getting her started writing. Have her draw pictures and tell you the story . You can “publish” the stories as little books, and practice reading them with her.

Most of all, have fun! The concepts she learns through playing will be the foundations of all her later learning .